Belt Fight!!!Alan and Barker were gone for two hours. Plenty of time for me to venture out and pick up
Canada’s finest Montreal Alouettes T Shirt for Erin. (note: the Alouettes are Montreal’s CFL team).
At approximately 10:30 Barker came back to the hotel. “Alan is playing poker. We tried to get on the same table. He was sat almost immediately but I was never called. I waited for a half hour, got bored, and told Alan I was heading back.” This wasn’t overly shocking since Alan loved playing poker and is pretty freakin’ good as he often wins.
I then ask “Well, you were gone for a bit. Did you win anything back?”
“Ohhhh no” Barker replied, “You made a good choice staying back.” As he stared at yet another ATM receipt without a dime to show for it.
Mere minutes passed when suddenly there was a banging at the door. It was Alan. He barged in yelling “Dude, where did you go? Why did you leave?”
Barker explained that he was tired of waiting and also reminded Alan that he informed him of his planned departure. After a little bit of comical yelling it was made clear that is was just miscommunication and all was good. It was good because Alan’s focus shifted from gambling to drinking. This was a man on a mission, or perhaps two missions.
Mission 1: Drink
Mission 2: Meet girls
It was decided that Friday night would be our night at Crescent St; an area that has a bunch of bars that are supposedly fun to check out. Alan also requested that we send a text to the four girls that he now envisions as wilder beasts to come meet us out. We collectively decide that once we figure out where we are, we will do so.
We walk out way to Crescent Street and walk into a place called Brutopia, yet another micro brew. It’s kind of small, pretty crowded, but also has a good vibe. There was a band playing live music and we figure we’ll grab a drink and move on. Alan purchases our first round of home brewed beer and we go looking for seats.
Barker finds a couple of chairs and sits down and starts to chat it up with two girls at an adjacent table. Alan stands at the table and joins in the conversation. I stand behind them and immediate slide into anti-social mode. No real reason, but with Alan and Barker playing off each other as wingmen, I was free to wander the bar and people-watch. For anyone who knows me even a little bit… I LOVE people-watching.
I stroll off and find a space to lean back, sip my drink, and watch the band. They were called the Grinders. Four members, three guys and one girl was one the singer. And you know what? They were good! Sure, they were just playing covers but they sounded good so I was completely content hanging out on my own hearing live music. Every now and then I would peek back to the guys to see if they were done being charming but to be honest, I was in no real rush.
About 40 minutes later, the band takes a break. I look back to my friends and they are still there but now, Alan is sitting at the table. “Uh oh, they might be in this for the long haul.” I think to myself. Just as this runs through my head Barker swings by and says “We’re pretty much done here, we’ll be leaving soon.” I explain I’m fine and he heads back to be charming. Also during this break some random dude talks to me. I can’t say for sure if he was hitting on me but he certainly felt the need to reach out to me. We have small talk about the band; he asks if I’m here for the Jazz Festival, and then moves on to get a new drink. I shrug it off and figure even if I’m hit on by a gay guy… I’m still being hit on. I still got it!
TWO HOURS LATER!!!I’m standing in the same place, watching the same band, but at least drinking a new beer. I wasn’t sure why I was still there to be totally honest. Maybe I wanted to see how this night turned out, maybe I had nothing else to do, and maybe I was the Grinders #1 fan since they covered both Nirvana and the Police. Any way you cut it, I was still there.
All of sudden I hear “HINES!!!!” screamed out over the music. It’s Barker’s way of inviting me over to the table. I shuffle over.
Before I continue it must be said that the only way to adequately describe the rest of this night is to be pretty cruel. There, I’ve said my piece.
I sit down at a newly available chair and Barker gives me the title “Warrior” for sticking it out so long on my own. I take my first good look at the two girls. Barker’s girl has a very pretty face, excellent French accent, but that’s about all she was bringing to the table. Again, it’s mean but when you are out at bars hitting on girls usually you take a swing for the fences. Barker was looking for a ground rule double.
Alan was laying down a sacrifice bunt at best.
This girl was busted. I feel awful just writing this but hey…. He was hitting on her, not me. She was in her 20s and still rocking braces. Even worse, she was kind of annoying. Not sure why I felt this way, but her personality was a bit grating.
Again, who cares? I was just there watching the fireworks. One thing that I did notice was when we first got there it was clear that Alan was working hard at his flirting with Busted-Girl. One note of interest; as I sat there Barker went from wingman to enamored lover boy. He had suddenly fallen in love with Accent-Girl and was hanging on her every broken word staring into her foreign eyes.
He was trying to learn French statements as well from her in a flirty kind of manner. Another tactic he used to win her over was to display the stranglehold he had over the Spanish language. At one point I was asked to vote on whether his Spanish or her French (her native tongue) was better. Much to his seemingly honest disappointment, I voted for her French. He then forced me to perform my over-the-top and very unfair fake French accent for her to see if it was “close” to the real thing.
It was not.
The flirting continued and the band finishes up. The group decides to go to another bar but as we stepped outside we have trouble picking our next location. We finally settle on a pseudo-Irish bar as a destination but all of sudden the girls have a change of heart and say they are calling it a night. I was shocked. What gives these girls the right to stand up my friends? But since I have yet to speak to them at any length, what gives me a right to have an opinion to start with!
The two girls stand their ground but not until Alan and Barker get their respective phone numbers. For what? I’m not sure. After three hours of work they got phone numbers of two girls who live in another country. Efficient we were not.
The three of us do have a quick drink at the Irish bar and then head off to the strip club. It is now 2:30 am. We pay a cover and are immediately forced to tip the gorilla of a doorman to walk us to a table…. 4 feet away. Alan buys a round and vanishes into a puff of smoke!
While Barker and I sit back we approached by several dancers but it’s pretty clear we were beat, and we not looking to purchase any affection. Word must have spread throughout the establishment that we were not looking to buy as we were left completely alone the rest of the night.
3am. The lights come on and it’s time to leave. I’m not sure if you been in a strip club when the lights come on but it’s a sobering moment. Basically, the strippers have things to get to and you need to leave their seedy place of business. With Alan nowhere to be found Barker and I exit and began our walk to the hotel.
On the way we get the opportunity to witness a group of drunken guys who are getting very aggressive with each other. I’m quite sure I heard the phrase “Stoo-peed Americans!” One, probably the American, had his shirt off clutching it in his hands. All of a sudden a melee breaks
out and at least four of them are whipping their belts at each other. Barker and I stop dead in our tracks and watch our first ever Belt-Fight. A taxi driver at a red light was engrossed by this scene but decline Barkers initiation of “Hey man, we got a Belt Fight going on here if you want in.” This was followed by Barker’s screaming of “Stop being Canadian!!!!” We were totally ignored. This had to be one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen… a Canadian Belt Fight.
The belt fight dissipates and we get a call from Alan who is at a Tim Horton’s getting food. We go back that direction and see our shirtless patriot stumbling around. This time he’s without a shirt in hand but possessing a very bloody mouth.
At Tim Horton’s both Barker and Alan get food and I stand as I feel myself hitting an absolute wall. During this time, a random drunk guy stumbles in and vomits in the garbage can near the counter. I then realize that I am no longer enjoying my people watching and decide to head back to the hotel on my own leaving Barker and Alan to their ordering (which has turned into Alan hitting on the cashier… poorly).
I hit the pillow at 3:30 am and instantly fall asleep. I hear Alan and Barker come in a bit later and Barker is also instantly asleep. Alan, somehow not tired, decides to get online and play some poker. I think to myself, “This guy has a problem.” and slumber off to dreamland.
In retrospect, I respect Alan for trying to win at SOMETHING that night.
