Crumbs of Knowledge

Nirvana - Live at Reading

2009-12-27T21:18:00.003-05:00

For Christmas Erin got me the DVD/CD of "Nirvana - Live at Reading". It's obviously only for big fans of the band but as I am listening to the 7th song on the setlist (Come As You Are) I consider it a must-have. The sound is incredible and the DVD footage is a lot of fun. During Lithium you can hear the crowd sing along but it doesn't drown out the band which tends to happen on many bootlegs.

Kind of bums me out that I never saw them live but it's good that they have released excellent CDs and DVDs for the fans. Aside from their actual records this and the box set, "With the Lights Out" feel like "new" releases.

I could go on how this is one of the groups that I listened to going into High School when we were all at our most awkward and trying to figure out who we were. But, isn't that a story most people my age tell? I guess the fact that a band that was this huge but their fans still felt a connection with the group is what made them great; at least in my opinion. Yeah, yeah... you can barely understand the guy and he was cry-baby rock star but what this DVD shows is that when Cobain actually tried the band was was second to none.

Oh, it should be played quite loud.

Tonight on HBO

2009-12-01T21:45:00.004-05:00

At 8:00pm HBO showed"The Wrestler", one of the better movies I've seen in years. Immediately following "The Wrestler"? Welll.... "Fool's Gold".

Tomorrow for dinner I'm going to eat a filet mignon and then have a tube of expired cookie dough for desert.

The Greatest Beatles Songs Ever

2009-11-29T22:30:00.002-05:00

My friend J.P. has recently been listening to more Beatles music mostly due to the re-release of their albums. One day he asked me "what are your top 25 Beatles songs?", a question that is impossible to answer. But I tried. It was painful but I was able to start with a list of nominations (60 or so songs) and whittle it down to 25.

I then I asked my oldest brother, Will, to compile his top 25 songs.

Between my list, J.P.'s, and Will's.... here are the only songs that appear on all three. Which, of course, means they are the greatest songs from the Beatles:

And Your Bird Can Sing
Dear Prudence
Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds
Rain
Something
Strawberry Fields Forever

That's it! There were 75 songs and only these 6 showed up on three of our lists. Also something to note: Not a single Paul song was listed by all three of us. But George's "Something" made it.

Argh Matey, Shut Ye Mouth or I Will Pirate This Movie

2009-02-22T22:23:00.002-05:00

(note: I am aware that this is FAR from a creative topic. It's just on my mind.)

On Friday it was made abundantly clear to me why people pirate DVDs. It has nothing to do with the high ticket prices, the inflated prices of Milk Duds, or even the long lines at the box office. It has to do with people.

Friday night Erin and I went to see "She's Just Not That Into You" Yeah, yeah, yeah... it's a chick flick but I enjoy a good chick flick once in a while. I'm not ashamed. I like the stand up comic who wrote the book and I'm a fan of a lot of people who were in this movie. I was NOT, however, a fan of the people who sat behind us. As soon as this line of women sat behind us Erin and I just KNEW it was going to be annoying and we would be relocating soon.

During a preview for the upcoming movie "Obsessed" we were treated to the sound bite of "Oh, Beyonce just went crazy on that girl. We have GOT to see that." (note: this movie looks terrible).

About 15 minutes into the feature we had to get up from the seats we picked out 10 minutes before the start of the previews and move to the 4th row to watch the movie from the lower left hand corner of the screen. We enjoyed it fine enough but it just sucks that people can't keep their mouths shut. And we, two people with manners, need to up and move to enjoy a movie.

Maybe I'm getting old and cranky but according to most of my friends this talking-during-the-movie fad has reached an epidemic scale. I know of a few people who have completely given up on going to the movie theaters no matter how excited they are about seeing a particular flick. And I can see why. Now, if I have a chance to watch a movie in the privacy of my own home or have to sit in front of a bunch noodnicks sharing their opinion on the clothes Ben Affleck might be wearing... I'm thinking my couch is a much better place to see a movie.

Gratefully, there is a theater near us that runs more independant movies. We have seen "Man on Wire", "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead", "My Kid Can Paint That" and "Thank You For Smoking" at this theater and have had a wonderful experience at all of them. We saw "Juno" at the big mega-plex by the mall and had to listen to two teenagers argue about something retarded the whole way through despite several requests to them to be quiet.

If Hollywood is so worried about losing money to pirated copies of their films... stop. Instead of investing dollars into technology to keep DVDs from being copied, hire people to sit in the theaters and get chatty people to shut their rude mouths. If you do that, I'll glady give you $10 a ticket.

South Park Giveth and Then Taketh Away

2009-01-11T19:43:00.010-05:00

As has become tradition with my brother Kevin and I, if a new series of South Park DVDs are out he gets them for me for Christmas (or when fitting, a birthday). This year, I received season 11 of South Park for Christmas.

This year, however, it was an extra special set. You see, the unthinkable happened. On disc 2 there was an episode I had never seen! Episode 8 of season 11 "Le Petit Tourette" apparently aired at midnight due to the high number of obscenities in the dialogue. Cartman decided to fake having Tourette's Syndrome so he could curse whenever he wanted.

I was in complete shock of this. I wasn't even upset with myself for missing an episode, which is something I that normally would engulf me in rage. I assumed my DVR settings missed this because of the change in air time.

Oh it was a post-Christmas miracle! This must be what it's like for a zoologist to discover a new species of fish!

However, on disc 3 yet another unthinkable occurred. As all nerds do, I was listening to the commentary by the creators on each episode. The three episode arch "Imaginationland" was already released on its own on DVD and on those DVDs Trey Parker and Matt Stone did commentary, so this commentary was far from complete.

Thus, I must at least rent those episodes to get the full experience.

Don't judge me.

Why So Serious

2009-01-03T22:39:00.003-05:00

I recently realized that when people tell me that they think "The Dark Knight" was just ok, I at first allow them to keep their opinion. However, when they start to give me reasons I find myself instantly debating them, hoping to convince them to share my opinion that the movie was indeed great. You see, their opinion if wrong.

Some points that have been mentioned that I have argued against:

1) Batman's voice is ridiculous - I agree, but I think it a very minor thing in the movie. If a characters voice is the worst part than you are too picky.
2) It's too dark. Not in nature, but it's hard to see stuff because it's dark. - Stop being a cry baby people and get some glasses.
3) Too many characters - Bah, you're clearly not paying attention.
4) Joker sounds like Andy Rooney - I never noticed this but now that it has been mentioned I notice a similarity. But, it's not enough to distract me from the movie.

I am petty.

LOOOONG overdue update

2008-11-24T19:55:00.004-05:00

Yeah, I haven't written a thing in a very long time. But, some things have changed that caused my focus to shift from wasting time to.... other stuff.

1) I got a new job. It was a long time coming and long over due. No longer do I drive 50 miles for work!

2) I've been doing big house projects. Had most of the floors (more to follow) re-finished, and am in the process of replacing all of the trim and baseboards. I was hoping to have it finished by Decemeber but this project has immediately halted because...

3) I need to rip up the rest of my rugs and have the rest of the floors re-finished. why? Because with the new trim, the carpet will no longer lay down flat.

I imagine that all of these house projects will be done sometime before I'm 80. Every time this happens I wonder why I didn't get a condo. I suppose it's because you can put more back into a house but it seems like I'll never get to a point of completition. I suppose this is par for the course in home ownership.

Awesome.

Mix Tape Mother Load

2008-07-30T21:01:00.005-04:00

With a couple of days off before I begin my new job I gave myself some mini-projects to do. Tonight was putting up a wall paper border along the top of my bathroom. Normally, when I do projects like this I have my Zune on random, blasting throughout the house. Tonight, however, I am without my precious Zune as Erin is borrowing it for a trip to NYC and back for work.

But then the musical gods smiled upon me and I came upon a bag of old mix tapes that were primarily made by me, or my brother Will. Luckily, I have a small stereo with a tape deck that still works! Most of these tapes were without cases or track listings which made picking one out even more fun. I threw a random tape in and based on the first 2 notes I remembered the year, season, and what I was doing when I made it. I recalled the summer of 1998, I made it for basic time wasting and driving around, and I was camp counselor at the time. The first song was a cover of "Build Me Up, Buttercup" by the Goops from the Mallrats soundtrack.

The next tape I listened to was one my brother made for me during my senior year of college that had a theme. It started off loud and fast ("I Am a Tree" by Guided By Voices) and then proggesively got more mellow as Side-A ended. The beginning of Side-B started mellow (with Liz Phari's "Girl's Room") and then closed out with the kick-ass song "Debaser" by the Pixies.

As great as mix CDs are for their ease and sound quality, nothing will replace the fun and challenge of filling up two 45 minute sides of a cassette tape. Each side with a plan, purpose, and approach.

A side note: this book is about a guy using mix tapes to drive his memoir. It's a good, fast read that is also very heartbreaking. "Love Is a Mix Tape" by Rob Sheffield.

Oh Canada! Pt. Four

2008-07-18T14:05:00.008-04:00

Cold Cocked in Canada!!!

I awake from my sleep around 11:00 am and soon both Alan and Barker are also awake. Alan relocates to the bathroom as I continue to lie in bed like a slug. I’m facing the window, away from Barker, and I hear him groan. “Ohhhh, man. It looks like a murder happened in this bed.” I hear him but I don’t exactly grasp what he’s talking about. He then laughs and repeats “Oh my god, the sheets are totally bloody.”

That comment grabbed my attention. I roll over and I’m searching my memory banks for a moment where Barker got cut. I only came up with one. “Did you cut yourself trying climb over that car?” I don’t remember him getting injured during his failed ascent of the RAV 4 but it’s all I could come up with. At that moment Alan returned from the bathroom to say “Oh dude, Barker got cold-cocked last night.”

“Are you serious?” I reply
“Yeah, some guy cold-cocked Barker on our way back to the hotel last night.” confirmed Alan.

This blew my mind. How long was I asleep before they came into the room? It felt like a very short time. Also blowing my mind was hearing the term cold-cocked twice in as many minutes.

Barker and Alan recapped what happened since their sleepy friend (me) was snoozing away.

On the walk back from Tim Horton’s they came across a group of people being rowdy and loud. While passing through the crowd Barker yelled out “wooooo!!!!” and apparently, this group did not take kindly to him. Barker certainly knows how to get under people’s skin so it’s weird that this innocent remark elevated to a…. well…. a cold-cocking.

After this one guy from the group started to push Barker in the chest and gave him a smack. Even with this Barker was smart enough to see the numbers (group of Canadians vs. 2) and put his hands up saying “I wasn’t looking to start anything” in hopes of relaxing the entire situation. Suddenly, out of nowhere, POW he gets clocked in the side of the head. At this point I’m going to replace the funny term of cold-cocking with the more appropriate… cheap shot.

I don’t care how tough you are, you take a cheap shot to the side of the head you are going down. And down Barker went… all 6’ 7” of him. Yeah, he’s a big guy. Apparently, his elbow took the brunt of the fall because it was completely swollen and purple all over, with a fair share of cuts still peeking through the bruise.

The story continued. Barker was now on the ground totally unconscious. So Alan and some other guy dragged him out of the street and on to the sidewalk. Barker still out cold was given the treat of having water thrown on him until he came to. He and Alan then hobbled back to the hotel so Barker could pass out and Alan could play poker online.

I have no idea what happened to the guy who hit him. I imagine all focus was put on dragging our friend out of the street as opposed to seeking vengeance.

I get up, put my glasses on, and begin to inspect Barker. The left side of his face is a bit swollen, his elbow is as described above, and for some unknown reason his left ankle is a DISASTER. The three of us play basketball pretty often and have thus suffered our fair share of sprained ankles to know this was a bad one. Completely swollen, all the way up to his shin, and it was impossible for Barker to put any weight on it.

Barker’s T Shirt was also stained with soda.

Now, we’re sitting around a hotel room trying to figure out what to do. We were in Montreal for one more night! We decide to hit the ER holding out hope that Canada’s health care system also helps out visitors. In the admissions room we find out that it certainly does NOT. But, most people can get their U.S. Insurance Carriers to cover any expense. Barker takes them up on this offer and fronts the $300+ dollars, receives his plastic bracelet, and then is told it will be at least an hour wait.

AN HOUR!

Barker, in the most pleasant way possible, asks the woman if she can reverse the charges because he’s pretty sure nothing is broken. And he can survive one day until we get home. Her answer “No. What’s done is done.”

None of us bought this answer but they had him by the balls. He still decided to leave, and will simply hope he can get paid back.

We zip back to the hotel to find our room being cleaned. The three of us feel AWFUL for the cleaning staff knowing full well that one bed is a bloody mess. We quietly turn around and head to the lobby to make up a plan of attack.

We sit in silence for a long time; staring at each other recounting our weekend so far.

Sickness in a strip club
Heft Casino losses
Three hours of flirting, two useless phone numbers. I got hit on by a guy.
A friend taking a cheap shot to the face
It just started to rain

Suddenly, Alan says “Guys, if you want just bail I’m fine with that. My flight is early in the morning and I can just play poker. I feel totally hung over so it’s going to be a quiet night either way.”

Barker and I decline this offer because we would feel pretty bad stranding our Japanese friend in Montreal. Alan continues to insist saying that he doesn’t mind and if the tables were turned, he’d be on his way home.

So it was agreed. We would leave Montreal a full day earlier than planned. The other choice was to hang around the hotel, let Barker hop to the restaurant for dinner, and then just turn in early anyway.

We gathered our luggage, waited a ridiculously long time for Barker’s car to get brought up from the garage and headed back to the states giving Canada the finger on our way across the border. I swear to you, Barker and I nearly wept when we crossed into the states. This must be what felt like for the immigrants who reached Ellis Island.

However, Montreal wasn’t through with us:

Barker and I somehow screwed up the GPS which added an extra 90 minutes to our trip home
Alan got stuck in the rain thanks to a cab dropping him off nowhere near the restaurant for dinner (however, credit to Alan for keeping the reservation anyway!)
Alan's luggage got left in Washington D.C. on his layover to Richmond, VA.

It’s safe to say our trip to Montreal was not as successful as planned but it certainly provided its fair share of memories and absurd comments.

Best kind.

Oh Canada! Pt. Three

2008-07-11T13:31:00.006-04:00

Belt Fight!!!

Alan and Barker were gone for two hours. Plenty of time for me to venture out and pick up Canada’s finest Montreal Alouettes T Shirt for Erin. (note: the Alouettes are Montreal’s CFL team).

At approximately 10:30 Barker came back to the hotel. “Alan is playing poker. We tried to get on the same table. He was sat almost immediately but I was never called. I waited for a half hour, got bored, and told Alan I was heading back.” This wasn’t overly shocking since Alan loved playing poker and is pretty freakin’ good as he often wins.

I then ask “Well, you were gone for a bit. Did you win anything back?”
“Ohhhh no” Barker replied, “You made a good choice staying back.” As he stared at yet another ATM receipt without a dime to show for it.

Mere minutes passed when suddenly there was a banging at the door. It was Alan. He barged in yelling “Dude, where did you go? Why did you leave?”

Barker explained that he was tired of waiting and also reminded Alan that he informed him of his planned departure. After a little bit of comical yelling it was made clear that is was just miscommunication and all was good. It was good because Alan’s focus shifted from gambling to drinking. This was a man on a mission, or perhaps two missions.

Mission 1: Drink
Mission 2: Meet girls

It was decided that Friday night would be our night at Crescent St; an area that has a bunch of bars that are supposedly fun to check out. Alan also requested that we send a text to the four girls that he now envisions as wilder beasts to come meet us out. We collectively decide that once we figure out where we are, we will do so.

We walk out way to Crescent Street and walk into a place called Brutopia, yet another micro brew. It’s kind of small, pretty crowded, but also has a good vibe. There was a band playing live music and we figure we’ll grab a drink and move on. Alan purchases our first round of home brewed beer and we go looking for seats.

Barker finds a couple of chairs and sits down and starts to chat it up with two girls at an adjacent table. Alan stands at the table and joins in the conversation. I stand behind them and immediate slide into anti-social mode. No real reason, but with Alan and Barker playing off each other as wingmen, I was free to wander the bar and people-watch. For anyone who knows me even a little bit… I LOVE people-watching.

I stroll off and find a space to lean back, sip my drink, and watch the band. They were called the Grinders. Four members, three guys and one girl was one the singer. And you know what? They were good! Sure, they were just playing covers but they sounded good so I was completely content hanging out on my own hearing live music. Every now and then I would peek back to the guys to see if they were done being charming but to be honest, I was in no real rush.

About 40 minutes later, the band takes a break. I look back to my friends and they are still there but now, Alan is sitting at the table. “Uh oh, they might be in this for the long haul.” I think to myself. Just as this runs through my head Barker swings by and says “We’re pretty much done here, we’ll be leaving soon.” I explain I’m fine and he heads back to be charming. Also during this break some random dude talks to me. I can’t say for sure if he was hitting on me but he certainly felt the need to reach out to me. We have small talk about the band; he asks if I’m here for the Jazz Festival, and then moves on to get a new drink. I shrug it off and figure even if I’m hit on by a gay guy… I’m still being hit on. I still got it!

TWO HOURS LATER!!!

I’m standing in the same place, watching the same band, but at least drinking a new beer. I wasn’t sure why I was still there to be totally honest. Maybe I wanted to see how this night turned out, maybe I had nothing else to do, and maybe I was the Grinders #1 fan since they covered both Nirvana and the Police. Any way you cut it, I was still there.

All of sudden I hear “HINES!!!!” screamed out over the music. It’s Barker’s way of inviting me over to the table. I shuffle over.

Before I continue it must be said that the only way to adequately describe the rest of this night is to be pretty cruel. There, I’ve said my piece.

I sit down at a newly available chair and Barker gives me the title “Warrior” for sticking it out so long on my own. I take my first good look at the two girls. Barker’s girl has a very pretty face, excellent French accent, but that’s about all she was bringing to the table. Again, it’s mean but when you are out at bars hitting on girls usually you take a swing for the fences. Barker was looking for a ground rule double.

Alan was laying down a sacrifice bunt at best.

This girl was busted. I feel awful just writing this but hey…. He was hitting on her, not me. She was in her 20s and still rocking braces. Even worse, she was kind of annoying. Not sure why I felt this way, but her personality was a bit grating.

Again, who cares? I was just there watching the fireworks. One thing that I did notice was when we first got there it was clear that Alan was working hard at his flirting with Busted-Girl. One note of interest; as I sat there Barker went from wingman to enamored lover boy. He had suddenly fallen in love with Accent-Girl and was hanging on her every broken word staring into her foreign eyes.

He was trying to learn French statements as well from her in a flirty kind of manner. Another tactic he used to win her over was to display the stranglehold he had over the Spanish language. At one point I was asked to vote on whether his Spanish or her French (her native tongue) was better. Much to his seemingly honest disappointment, I voted for her French. He then forced me to perform my over-the-top and very unfair fake French accent for her to see if it was “close” to the real thing.

It was not.

The flirting continued and the band finishes up. The group decides to go to another bar but as we stepped outside we have trouble picking our next location. We finally settle on a pseudo-Irish bar as a destination but all of sudden the girls have a change of heart and say they are calling it a night. I was shocked. What gives these girls the right to stand up my friends? But since I have yet to speak to them at any length, what gives me a right to have an opinion to start with!

The two girls stand their ground but not until Alan and Barker get their respective phone numbers. For what? I’m not sure. After three hours of work they got phone numbers of two girls who live in another country. Efficient we were not.

The three of us do have a quick drink at the Irish bar and then head off to the strip club. It is now 2:30 am. We pay a cover and are immediately forced to tip the gorilla of a doorman to walk us to a table…. 4 feet away. Alan buys a round and vanishes into a puff of smoke!

While Barker and I sit back we approached by several dancers but it’s pretty clear we were beat, and we not looking to purchase any affection. Word must have spread throughout the establishment that we were not looking to buy as we were left completely alone the rest of the night.

3am. The lights come on and it’s time to leave. I’m not sure if you been in a strip club when the lights come on but it’s a sobering moment. Basically, the strippers have things to get to and you need to leave their seedy place of business. With Alan nowhere to be found Barker and I exit and began our walk to the hotel.

On the way we get the opportunity to witness a group of drunken guys who are getting very aggressive with each other. I’m quite sure I heard the phrase “Stoo-peed Americans!” One, probably the American, had his shirt off clutching it in his hands. All of a sudden a melee breaks out and at least four of them are whipping their belts at each other. Barker and I stop dead in our tracks and watch our first ever Belt-Fight. A taxi driver at a red light was engrossed by this scene but decline Barkers initiation of “Hey man, we got a Belt Fight going on here if you want in.” This was followed by Barker’s screaming of “Stop being Canadian!!!!” We were totally ignored. This had to be one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen… a Canadian Belt Fight.

The belt fight dissipates and we get a call from Alan who is at a Tim Horton’s getting food. We go back that direction and see our shirtless patriot stumbling around. This time he’s without a shirt in hand but possessing a very bloody mouth.

At Tim Horton’s both Barker and Alan get food and I stand as I feel myself hitting an absolute wall. During this time, a random drunk guy stumbles in and vomits in the garbage can near the counter. I then realize that I am no longer enjoying my people watching and decide to head back to the hotel on my own leaving Barker and Alan to their ordering (which has turned into Alan hitting on the cashier… poorly).

I hit the pillow at 3:30 am and instantly fall asleep. I hear Alan and Barker come in a bit later and Barker is also instantly asleep. Alan, somehow not tired, decides to get online and play some poker. I think to myself, “This guy has a problem.” and slumber off to dreamland.

In retrospect, I respect Alan for trying to win at SOMETHING that night.

Oh Canada! Pt. Two

2008-07-07T13:14:00.012-04:00

Asians and Dice Games

We awoke on Friday morning around 10:00 am and much to my surprise both Alan and Barker were in tip-top shape. I, on the other hand, felt pretty lousy. Not brain-splitting hung over but I was certainly going to be fighting off some cobwebs for a while. I mentally decided to drink a lot less on this day. A decision that will pay itself back to me 3-fold over the rest of the trip. The three of slowly prepare for our next day in Montreal and seek out breakfast. Unfortunately, after getting ready at our leisurely pace it was already 12 noon.

We walk into some diner-looking establishments only to find out that breakfast has stopped being served as of 11:00 am throughout the entire country of Canada and part of Alaska. However, one waiter told us to walk down the street a few blocks to “Expectations”. We were collectively surprised that an employee of a restaurant would recommend another place to eat but for the most part all of the waiters, bartenders, etc were quite helpful.

After a long enough walk to nearly give up hope we see a sign for “Eggspectations”. Ah ha! What a clever play on words!

We get a table and review a glorious menu littered with breakfast selections and creative egg dishes. We all order and then Alan decides that champagne would be a great way to start the day. Before I have a chance to share my less-drinking idea, or at least request to be left out, I have a flute of champagne in front of me. We all clink our glasses and yell out “best kind!” and sip our champagne. It was actually good and I figured I would have plenty of time to knock the cobwebs out of my head. I also knew that coffee was on the way.

Our food arrives and it was fantastic. We eat and I then notice that about 10 feet away is Steven Page from the Barenaked Ladies. Barker assumed it was a guy that merely looked like him but considering they are from Canada AND there was music festival going on, I’m 99% sure it’s him. We agreed to disagree and continued our inhalation of eggs and toast.

During our meal Barker receives a text message from our friend from New Brunswick that pretty much asks us to call them tonight with our location so we can hang out. Alan and Barker are excited by this news as I internally panic “Oh crud… I’ll have to be a wingman.” At this point Alan has immediately assumed that Barker and I have set him up with four of Canadians most successful super-models. I would spend the day bring Alan’s expectations back down to earth.

At this moment we decide to hit the casino. We grab a cab and take a very inconvenient route to Casino de Montreal! I pay the cabbie and we enter. The casino itself is pretty nice, a little smaller than we imagined but certainly large for the three of us. We make our way to the table games and settle at a $10 craps table.

Now, instead of going over this in excruciating detail I’m going to tell you what happened in the same fashion it occurred in real-time. FAST.

We lost.

In the blink of an eye we were EACH down $200-300. It was both comical and upsetting.

We relocate to the bar to lick our wounds, have a beer and watch some Wimbledon. We regroup and decide to try the tables one more time. On our way back to the tables a random fellow approached us and said “I’m going to watch you guys and head to other table.” Based on our last roll, we agreed with his strategy whole-heartedly. However, his reason was based on another set of ideals. Good ol’ racism. He took one look at Alan (from Tokyo) and said “Asians are not good at dice games. You can’t see them sweat.” The three of us erupted into laughter. Not only because we were proving this theory true but because he was so eager to share it with our Japanese friend.

We lost again. About $100-200 each. It was a fantastic display of losing.

We return to the bar and decide to get one last drink and then head back to the hotel. All of a sudden, this random guy is sitting with us! For having a random discriminatory policy against Asians he LOVED Alan. Without persuasion from us he decides to share his favorite USA jokes with us. The only one I can remember is:

Q: What was Bill Clinton’s favorite game in the White House?
A: Semen Says (a play on Simon Says)

We all laugh manically because of how awful that joke is. He asks “Eez that good joke?” and we immediately inform him “No. Not at all”

We finally get up, shuffle our feet to the taxi line, and head back to the hotel to prepare for our afternoon and dinner.

We decide to find our restaurant and have a few drinks before our reservation. We locate Gibby’s (awesome food here folks) in Old Montreal and then find ourselves at a bar that has a seating area outside. This is where I began to employ my method of nursing every drink that ends up in front of me. I also announced to Alan and Barker that they can order whatever they want at dinner but I’m going to chill out for the night. No protests from those two at all.

Many items were discussed during this time which I will summarize in bullet point format:

Barker declared he is now 50% French and nobody in the group is allowed to speak French on the trip. Alan disagrees so we have a French-Off! Barker won by knowing a staggering 4 French phrases to Alan’s 3. Note: nobody use “oui” in the contest

Alan asked the waitress two questions back-to-back. They were “What is your name?” and “Do you like me?” The second question was equally earnest and sweet as it was creepy and out of line. Her name was Sarah, and she thought Alan seemed like a nice guy but she didn’t know him very well. Alan took this as a victory.

I over-did my job of lowering Alan’s expectations of the New Brunswick girls as he was now convinced they were all toothless lumberjacks.

We found out that Alan is not convinced we landed on the moon nor that JFK’s assassination was the work of a crazy man as opposed to the US Government. He does not buy into any 9/11 conspiracies. He is also aware that the Earth is round and travels around the Sun.

Light beers in Canada have an unusual after taste.

With our drinks (or in my case, single drink) done we move on Gibby’s. We’re early so we each have one last drink and then go inside for dinner. We did have enough time to break a beer bottle by accident and throw it in the trash. We soon find out that it was not the trash at all. It was a storage unit for cleaning suppliers and the waitress was shockingly not upset about it. I’m not so sure how the people felt when they were seated at a table that was cleaned with a glass and beer soaked rag.

The dinner itself was relatively uneventful. Alan showed off his new found wine-snobbery by asking about years and locations of wines. The wine was good but I feel it was wasted on the amateur pallets of Barker and me. Our group got a little rowdy during dinner but nothing that couldn’t be controlled. At one point Barker “accidentally” got a couple of drops of wine on Alan. In order to even it out Barker then immediately poured the last few drops on himself. I think this was to make a point of some sort but even 24 hours later; Barker was unable to explain the point. He was sure there was a point though.

The highlight of our dinner, however, was a single comment by a total stranger. Alan was making goo-goo eyes at a girl that evening and she ended up walking by our table. Alan, in a faux tough guy way, said to himself, “Yeah, I’d do her.” Out of nowhere her husband/boyfriend says nonchalantly “I’ll do it more you.” and kept on walking by. The three of cheered for how wonderful his timing was. It was without question best kind.

We paid for our very satisfying meals and began the hike back to the hotel. Without reason Barker announced that he was going to climb a Toyota Rav 4. He put his foot on the front bumper and it immediately slipped off and he stumbled to the side. He took that as a sign to walk around, and did so.

When we did finally arrive back at our rooms Alan and Barker made a horrifying decision… to return to the casino!!! They wanted to show that casino up and win some money back! I told them to go ahead without me as I couldn’t afford to risk another loss and I was happy just filling a few hours on my own. They were cool with that we agreed to meet in the lobby in a couple of hours. They disappeared in a giddy rush and I went out in search of a souvenir for my girlfriend.

The trip was getting shaky.

Oh Canada! Pt. One

2008-07-03T12:57:00.005-04:00

The First Night Was Best Kind

“I’m so jealous that you are going to Montreal!”
“You’re going to have a blast!”
“Oh, I wish I could go to!”

Before my trip to Montreal I was routinely peppered with these sorts of envious comments. I’ve been to Montreal before and had a good time. But that was years ago, and this time my friends and I decided to really hit the town. Not just drink ourselves silly and stumble into strip clubs but enjoy nice meals, check out the town, see the sights, maybe attend a curling match.

There were three of us traveling. Barker and I drove up from Connecticut and Alan was flying in from Richmond, VA (via LaGuardia). The drive up was a piece of cake. After stopping for dinner in upstate NY, we arrived at our hotel around 7pm. Alan was not getting in until 11:00 at night so Barker and I hit the town. We walked the streets and eventually settled into a fancy-schmancy bar called Phillip’s with fancy lit-up tables and a DJ of sorts. The DJ was pretty much letting his laptop play a random list of songs into a hilariously big soundboard that remained untouched while we were there but he did have headphones… which I suppose makes him a DJ.

Phillip’s is where Barker began his education of the French language. This education consisted of him asking bartenders what certain French phrases meant in English. The first phrase in question was “Qu'est Que C'est” We realized we needed the spelling but Barker had no idea on how it was properly spelled. Lucky for him, I’m a huge nerd. We googled “Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads” on his iphone and there it was right in the bridge of the song. We asked the chic looking bartender what it meant and she said “Ummm, I don’t know.”, and abruptly left. I don’t know a lick of French but I can translate hot girl very well. What she meant to say was: “I don’t want to talk to you creeps.” By continuing our google search we learned it loosely means “What is it/that.” Even the translation is barely English with a nice slash in the midst of the definition to cause more confusion.

Barker and I drank our drink and bolted.

We settled into a bar on St Catherine that was basically a micro-brewery called “3 Braussers” and started enjoying the local brews. We struck up some conversation with the bartender, Chantal, and asked for some ideas of what to do.

Her first suggestion was to go to the dance clubs because they are a lot of fun and play great house music. We nodded while both of us thought “Not in a million years.” When Barker asked if there were places to go see curling she immediately assumed we were being snobbish Americans and insulting her country. We quickly proved that our interest was earnest and then she broke our hearts by saying it’s a winter sport, and we would not find a place to play. She walked away as we stewed in our disappointment.

At this exact moment we saw 4 girls across the bar getting hit on by a 60 year old guy in denim Capri pants. The scary thing was this guy had GAME! They were laughing, clinking glasses together, and having a grand ol’ Canadian time. Barker saw this as a challenge and promptly sent 4 drinks over, which they gladly accepted and quickly invited us over.

Barker is single; I am not, which made me the designated wing-man. I never told Barker this but I am not a good wingman. I’m way too shy and self-conscious around strangers in bar settings, and my sense of humor is usually too dry to be grasped upon first meetings. This alone makes me awful as a wingman. Either way, we stroll over and begin chatting it up. Lucky for us, one of these girls was very over-the-top friendly. She was asking all the questions “Where are you from, what brings you up here, etc etc etc.” At one point she was quizzing us on American slang and asked “What is your term for things that are nice, or awesome, or sweet, or best kind…”

I jumped in “whoa, whoa, whoa… what was that last one? Best kind?”

“Yeah, you know… best kind. ‘Oh, this beer is best kind!’”

From that moment on, barker and I used the phrase “best kind” in every other sentence.

It was clear at this point that we had replaced the old man in capri pants and have befriended 4 nice girls from New Brunswick. Not too bad for our first night! They left after exchanging numbers with Barker which also scored him points since the iphone is not available in New Brunswick at this time.

Finally, Alan arrived at midnight!!!! His flight was delayed and he had to re-rout through Atlanta. How it made sense to go from Virginia to Atlanta then to Montreal… I don’t know. Alan decided to make up for lost time by sprinting to closest bar and downing anything they put in front of him. I, already feeling tipsy, decided to nurse my Labatt’s. Barker on the other hand, decided to match Alan.

We then decided to do as men do in Montreal and go to a strip club. This was lightning quick as Barker became ill and was politely asked to leave. I’m not kidding. The doorman was very pleasant about it and had no issues with any mess that was made.

So, we headed back to the hotel and collapsed after a good first night in Montreal.

Little did we know this was merely the calm before the storm.

Lakers Vs. Celtics

2008-06-05T17:58:00.011-04:00

The sports-world is abuzz about the NBA Finals match up of the long time rivals Lakers and Celtics. When Kevin and I first started talking about this becoming a possibility we went over the history, the match ups, and then we both stumbled upon a hope. "Maybe they'll re-release the game!"

In 1989 EA Sports released this game for the PC and we had it. Back in the day, this game was as good as it got for video hoops. Kareem had his sky hook, Bird has his three point shot, and the only thing that allowed you to differentiate the image of James Worthy from Magic Johnson was Worthy wore goggles. And the game itself was fantastic! It had real players, real teams, real arenas, everything an NBA fan could ask for aside from a satin Starter jacket.

We both played this game a ton. If it weren't for our copy of Leisure Suit Larry, we may have found ourselves playing Lakers vs. Celtics exclusively. (note: for nerds like Kevin and I, Leisure Suit Larry was basically hard core pornography)

For the next couple of years and newer version of the game was released for other consoles (Sega Genesis) but the title remained "Lakers vs. Celtics"

All of sudden in 1991, they changed the title to reflect the current NBA Finals match up of "Bulls vs Lakers". We were outraged. Yeah sure, the two teams have not been in the Finals together since 1987 but that doesn't matter. The NBA as we know it was built on this rivalry, and changing the game's title was a crime.

In the original game you could only select a team from those that made the playoffs. Eventually, you could play as any team. As the game mutated you could do trades, create your own player, select from custom teams (all 80s team, all Euro Team). Each team's marquee player had a signature move such as Charles Barkley numbingly racist "Gorilla Dunk". Basically, more bells and whistles were added each year.

Sure the newer versions looked better and provided more options, but nothing will beat that orignal title. Check out the sweet graphics! Take note of Larry Bird's golden locks of hair!
The nostalgia tip will certainly be played out to a point of nausea during the finals this year. I supposed I just wanted to do my part.

Sing If You Love Muffins

2008-05-23T14:05:00.004-04:00

One thing that really impressed me on this cruise was how courteous the staff was. The bartenders, cruise directors, activity leaders, as well as the wait staff were all very friendly and helpful. It is clear part of the idea of being on a cruise is to be doted on by people who smile and are polite; and the staff of the cruise must be trained with that in mind. Well let me tell you… one guy took this philosophy to the brink of insanity. And I loved it.

In the morning Erin and I preferred a sit-down breakfast instead of the buffet as it was a little more relaxed, quiet, and we could look at the ocean from the window. Also, you there was no need to battle the obese folks on the ship (apparently, there is a quota to be filled) over an English muffin. What was also great was a few waiters walked around the restaurant with muffins and pastries on a tray, and you can take whatever you wanted! And they would SELL you on their muffins. If you say “No thanks” they say in a very playful manner “Oh really? I have cinnamon, blueberry….” And then you give in and stuff a croissant down your throat. A sense of pride was apparent among this crew of muffin distributors.

There was a single gentleman took this to a new level. One morning I was really in the mood for a cinnamon roll. This thin Asian man approached with his tray of treats and apparently I lit up and got very excited (note: I love breakfast foods). He reacted and said, full of joy, that “Oh, we have a smile!” He then looked at Erin and continued, “Look at the smile. We put smiles on his faces.” and began to laugh hysterically. He showed me his tray and I asked for the cinnamon roll. The waiter placed in on my plate and then said “I have a song for that!” and instantly to the tune of “Sweet Home Alabama” he sung, “Sweet ROLL Alabama” and once again laughed maniacally. I was sold! I smiled ear to ear and he loved this as well. “We have a song for that too! Do you know the Bee Gees?” I nodded and he sang a single word. “Smilllllllle” I didn’t recognize the song, but I didn’t care (apparently, it’s the beginning of the song “Words” by the Bee Gees) He laughed again and walked away.

Erin and I became huge fans of this guy and tracked him down every morning. When we saw him we would flag him down for muffins. One morning, he got to our table, handed out the treats, and then led us and the tables near us in the song “You Are My Sunshine”. I rarely sing along with the crowd at concerts of what have you but in this case, I was signing and loving it! Just as I finished “please don’t take my sunshine away” Erin informed me that I was, in fact, in love with this guy.

No argument here.

On our final morning he came to our table and Erin asked if we could take his picture. He was genuinely touched by this sentiment and we got this gem of a photo.

I experienced the same excitement I felt when I had my photo taken with my favorite character at Disney World in 3rd grade. I then asked for a yogurt muffin and he sang Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer but sang the final line “You’ll-gurt down in history!” The man is lyrical genius folks.

In retrospect, it is impressive that a man whose sole responsibility is handing out muffins to people on a floating hotel can enjoy his job this much. However, I’m not entirely sure he’s human. At every other meal we saw the same group of waiters except our muffin-man. I believe he was placed in a freezer during the rest of the day to preserve him for a lifetime of service.

Following Directions

2008-05-12T12:44:00.010-04:00

Before I write up little anecdotes on the trips we took and the fun we had on the cruise I want to vent about something quite alarming. The inability for ADULTS to follow directions.

While on the cruise there were very few times you needed to shut up and listen, and during those times this task was too challenging for most. And these were not overly excited kids, which is kind of excusable to a point. These were full blown adults.

The first time I noticed this was during a tour of the Bacardi factory in San Juan, PR. The very beginning of the tour brought us to a fountain with the famous Bacardi bat in the middle. The tour guide gave us a little explanation to what we were looking and then a gentleman asked a very valid question, "What is the significance of the bat?" The tour guide replied with a short answer that is was a symbol of good luck and family strength but "in the very next room we go over the story of the bat in much more detail. Any other questions?" and then it happened. Not two seconds passed and another guy asks "What's the story behind the bat?" Erin and I exchanged a glance and then I crossed eyes with another bewildered tourist shaking his head. We all chuckled as the tour guide repeated "We will learn about this in the next room." We moved on to the next room.

The next room was a short film on the history of the family and the company which included the story behind the bat. It also mentioned that Bacardi owns a beer brand called Hatuey (I think). A mere 10 seconds after this is told to our group the SAME GUY asks "What is the beer called?"

The final straw was during the part of the tour where the process of distilling and creating the rum is explained the guy was so much in space the tour guide brought him back and re-did the whole thing. Again, this is an adult. I began to wonder if perhaps this guy was actually retarded but there was actually a mentally challenged adult in our group... who I might add had no problems keeping up with the tour.

Other examples of the inability to listen and follow directions... all by adults:

During games of bingo you know which game to play by the color of the card you have. If they say "blue" you play on the blue card. This did not stop a woman, clutching a canary yellow card, to require one-on-one directions to wait until the yellow game as the announcement was for blue.
While being dispatched for a trip to a beach we were asked to sit and wait for the tour number on our ticket to be called before lining up. The announced "Tour number 208 please go to the door." A woman belted out "My card says 2081, is that same thing?" No lady, that is entirely different number.
Also while waiting our turn to go to the beach the guide asked that only the left side of the group line up. People from all over the place started lining up. This was a case of them hearing the directions but blatantly choosing to ignore it.
When returning home people struggled with the concept of two lines at customs. One for U.S. citizens and another for non U.S. citizens. Both lines were clearly marker.

What really bugged me about all of this is that these idiots, more times than not, got what they wanted. People who lined up out of turn were not sent back to their seats, the folks in the wrong customs line were still allowed to go through, etc.

My problem is I follow directions to a fault, possibly subconsciously making up for the actions of other idiots. I'll wait patiently in a buffet line while a mob of obese people crowd for a muffin, if I'm in a slow moving toll line I just wait it out, and I let too many people ahead of me in traffic.

I should take a trip and ignore every and all direction just to see what happens. With my luck, I'll get thrown overboard.

Getting Back

2008-05-11T19:19:00.001-04:00

I've been pretty lazy and have not added an entry in a very long time. I'm going to attempt to add some entries in rapid-fire fashion (once a week?). I have some topics too since I just got back from vacation and the trip has given me some topics to write about. Stay tuned all (and by all, I guess that means Dave).

Ron Paul Last Minute Effort

2008-02-05T20:58:00.000-05:00

As I went to the polls today there was a single table set up outside the school. I think you need to be 75 feet from the polling location and this guy had to be right on the mark.

It was a Ron Paul campaigner with pamphlets, a hat, and a shirt. He was on the cell phone as I waled by not even attempting to talk to anyone. I don't understand this at all. Who would still be undecided 75 feet away from the voting machines? And why was this guy on his cell phone if he felt there were some votes to win.

It was like a kid gluing two more popsicle sticks to the inside of his diorama before handing it in for a sure-fire D+.

the R.E.M. Challenge

2008-01-29T19:37:00.000-05:00

My friend Sean and I are going to make a non-hit R.E.M. CD.

We needed rules for this mix because we needed to determine what a 'hit' was because, to be honest, they haven't had a big hit in a long time. They've charted here and there but it's been several albums since they hit the top ten with a single.

We finally decided that we would omit all officially released singles by their labels (IRS and Warner Bros). This knocked out a butt-load of songs (see here!). We have a few nominations, but we are still listening to the albums collecting ideas. I welcome any ideas and selections!

The current nominations:

Perfect Circle

Harborcoat

Just a Touch

Gardening at Night

You Are the Everything

Half a World Away

A few facts about my fandom for this band:

I consider the first good CD I ever bought to be "Out of Time". The album I got before this was Bel Biv Devoe
I did not discover REM on college radio, I got to know them with "Losing My Religion" as did many people. I am still ashamed.
I didn't see them live until 2002 when they did a tour to support their best of. I was so excited and elated to be there that my eyes welled up during the opening chords of "What's the Frequency Kenneth?"
I tried, and failed, to carve a Michael Stipe jack-o-lantern

This is Michael Stipe looking pretentious.

Bodies : Revealed

2007-12-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

In Las Vegas there was a Bodies Exhibition that I've heard about but, Erin and I never had time to go check it out.

Morbid luck may have it that a related tour called Bodies : Revealed came to Hartford. Basically, it's a tour of actual human corpses (or organs) that have been drained of all fluid and then preserved with polymer for display. It's very fascinating but also a little creepy. You quickly forget that you are looking at a former, living human beings and it starts to feel like the dark side of Jim Henson's studio.

What Bodies Revealed displayed was a breakdown of each part of the human body: skeletal, muscular, nervous system, circulatory, organs, etc.

Some of the displays were very recognizable parts of the human body but only one system. For example, there was an arm but only the veins and arteries. It looks like a bunch of dry grass and thread in the shape of an arm. Cool.

The part I was oddly looking forward to was the display of a set smoker's lungs. Not sure why this fascinated me so, but it did.

They were nasty.

Next to the nasty, gray lungs was a large plastic case where people were asked to dispose of their cigarettes. The set of polluted lungs are meant to be enough motivation to quit on the spot.

The case at this exhibit was completely empty! Atta boy Hartford! Suck it in, long and deep. We're in flavor country!

Merry Christmas From Cerebus the Aardvark

2007-12-21T13:38:00.000-05:00

After Pics

2007-12-18T20:24:00.001-05:00

Per Anna's request.....

Hit The Shower!

2007-12-03T21:02:00.000-05:00

I'm getting my bathroom re-done which means I had to take down the tile! Well... I didn't have to, but it saved me some cash by doing the demo work. It was kind of fun actually! I grabbed a hammer and went to town. By the end of it I was just grabbing dry wall and tearing it out with my hands. I felt manly.

Ok, off to brush my cat!

Brian Hines : An Academic Sham – Pt 3 of 3

2007-11-30T13:21:00.000-05:00

Rocks for Brains (or Hybrids are the Future)

Being a Tiger I entered college with realistic aspirations. In four years I would graduate the University of Connecticut among a sea of faceless 20-somethings and figure it out from there. I would be far from the Valedictorian but I would also be far from failing out. Right?

I started college as an English major and was given the opportunity to take some electives within the school of liberal arts. In an effort to score an easy A I picked Geology 101, praying the “rocks for jocks” mantra was true. I’d check out some quartz, dig some dirt, say “igneous” and be on my way. I was wrong.

An upperclassman on my floor heard I was taking the course and asked “Oh cool, I hear that’s pretty simple. Who is the teacher?” I told him it was Dr. Philpotts and his face went pale. “Oh, never mind. I hear he’s really tough.” Initially, I wasn’t overly concerned. I was a tiger in my soul, but still a Hines in my genes. I could handle this Philpotts chump.

Despite my genetic confidence I failed the first quiz with flying colors. I don’t recall the grade, but it was quite low. Higher than a 15, but not by much. Every exam and quiz was a challenge and I did horrible on each and every one. I was a little better at the labs where you would identify rocks based on series of tests, but mostly because you could refer to certain materials and reference books. If it’s harder than a 5 on this scale, than it’s granite. Crap like that. Even with the labs helping my grade, I was hanging out between a D and a big, fat F all semester. Panic began to set in.

Out of nowhere, Dr. Philpotts threw me a life preserver. The final exam was on the way and he explained that if your final exam grade was higher than the average of the other exams, he would use your final exam grade ALONE to determine your semester’s grade. Sweet Barbara! If I did well on this one, single exam my miserable grades through the semester would disappear! Days before the final I grabbed my text book, notebook, and took up permanent residence in the Homer Babbidge Library. I read, and read, and read. I pretty much tried to memorize the entire text book before the final. I took the exam, felt ok about it and feverishly waited for the result. My report card displayed a C for Geology 101. Not great by any means, but not an F. It took days of non-stop studying, but I managed my way through the mess.

You see folks, I was capable of doing what my brother Will did. When the chips were down, I could harness the Power of Will and study like a man on a mission. I did this for many classes, and sooner than later they resulted in A’s instead of Cs or Bs. It sucked, but the results were good.

I also discovered that if I was interested in the class, or the project, I would do fine. After a few semesters of indecisiveness I stumbled my way into the major of sociology. Yeah, totally worthless outside of public duty, but I found the subject of studying people fascinating. This could be why I’m such a non-discrete people-watcher. On a recent trip to Disney World my favorite ride was whichever one had the grouchiest parents yelling at their kids in line.

Granted, Sociology is no Chemical Engineering major, I’ll give you that. But, you can still fail it! I know some people that did (probably Bears)! However, once I realized I enjoyed a certain class I was then able to harness the Power of Kevin and just absorb the information with ease. I started to better in my harder 200+ level courses than so called intro courses. Introduction to Geology, scraped out a C. Advanced Research Methods in Social Sciences? Got an A with my eyes closed.

By the time my junior year rolled around I was flipping the Kevin/Will switch off and on all the time. Was a big test coming up? Harness the Power of Will, disappear for two days with my books and study non-stop. Challenging semester longer class with many projects and papers? Flip the Power of Kevin Switch and absorb the information like a sponge. I was a Hines-Hybrid with my very own version of genius!

But where did this come from? Did the Hines Pedigree surface later for me in life, just laying dormant until I was 20 years old? Perhaps I only excel at certain areas of life, like my Dad. He’s a genius at packing suitcases for example. We moved houses when I was in the 2nd grade and he packed our entire lives’ belongings into two pieces of carry-on luggage and the glove compartment of his Buick.

Maybe this discovery is deeper than class work, study habits, and skills of packing underwear into shoes to save space.

Is it nature over nurture? Nurture of nature?

Or, maybe… just maybe… I was a lazy shit in high school.

Brian Hines : An Academic Sham – Pt 2 of 3

2007-11-20T09:13:00.000-05:00

The Truth Comes Out (or a 15 on a Spanish Quiz)

Broadview Junior High, which was grades 7-9 at the time, is where the truth started to come out. Going through Elementary School as a Lion (or one of the “smart kids”) was pretty sweet. Yeah, I never got picked first for kickball but I also never got in trouble. I was able to goof off a bit with my friends a bit and the teachers didn’t care too much because I did my homework, passed spelling tests, etc. A pretty sweet deal. At the end of 6th grade I rolled out of Pembroke Elementary School with straight A’s and aspirations of joining my brothers in the annals of cognitive history!

Entering Junior High the academic deck was shuffled a bit. First of all, several elementary schools were being combined. Lions, Tigers, and Bears from all over the town were brought into one jungle. We were also tested to determine placement for certain classes! I did well in English and Science and thus maintained my place with the Lions in those courses. However, my math results caused a very strange occurrence. I was sent to a class with the word “Pre” in front of it. It was called Pre-Algebra.

What the hell is this? “I can handle normal, run of the mill Algebra!!!” I thought, “What’s this “pre” garbage?” Still, never being one to buck the system, and always happy to travel the road of least resistance, I rolled with the punch. The way I looked at it, I’ll pass this PRE algebra junk with my eyes closed and get catch up with the Lions in a year or so. No sweat. It was still better than then general math courses the Bears were hibernating through.

I passed it, but by no means with my eyes closed. As a matter of fact, my eyes had to be wide open for some parts. Two different variables in an equation? What kind of madness is this? By the end of the year my report card had more Bs and B+s sprinkled throughout than one would expect from a Lion. Or, at least from a former Lion.

The full spoonful of reality was fed to me during Spanish class in 9th grade. I was able to start Spanish in 7th grade, as most Lions did. The Tigers took an extra comprehension course in 7th grade and weren’t’ cleared to study a new language until 8th. That being said I was still no wiz at Spanish. Memorizing vocabulary words was not the problem, but when different tenses and different versions of the SAME WORD came up…. I flat out sucked. So much that I scored a 15 on a Spanish quiz about the formal difference between tu’ and usted. FIFTEEN!!!! That’s tougher than getting a zero because it shows that I made some level of effort. I could have scored a zero by not taking the damn quiz at all!

I got ‘extra help’ before school, studied my tail off, and still…. 15. My Spanish teacher (who, thankfully was very cool and patient) allowed me to retake it and average the two. But when you average a 15 in with something like a 60 on the second try… you still suck. To make matters more awkward I had the same teacher Kevin did two years ago. I wonder if during parent-teacher conferences if she asked my dad if I was adopted.

I got through Junior High with fine grades, good friends, braces, glasses, bad hair but one other thing that surprised me. In 8th grade, my coordination kicked in seemingly overnight. I was getting decent at basketball and held my own in most gym class sports. I wasn’t slam dunking the ball or anything, but I was certainly not a hazard either. In 8th grade I was suddenly being picked over some of the older kids because I could hold my own out there! Granted I struggled with usted, but I could shoot a jumper if left open. And you know what? It felt pretty cool.

Apparently, God made me a deal. “Listen kid, I only have so much intelligence to hand out and Kevin really gobbled up a bunch. How ‘bout this. I’ll let you put a ball in a hoop a bit and even catch a football from time to time. Don’t get crazy and try out for the team or anything, you’ll get killed out there for Christ’s sake. But, this should keep you from being embarrassed too much.”

I took God up on the offer and rode it all the way through high school. I ran track and was all state, but I also got a C in Trigonometry. I had peers among the football team but I was also happy to be in the marching band, but not the best player in the band. I was able to take UConn level English, but never AP Chemistry. I can still remember looking through the door that joined two chemistry classrooms at a former Lion friend of mine getting ready for a cool looking chemistry lab experience as I sat near a kid trying to melt his pen in the Bunsen burner. Part of me missed the scholastic freedom of the Lions, but the kid who melted his pen also picked me first in gym class just two periods before. All is fair in the animal kingdom I suppose. And, I wasn’t doing BAD in school, just not great. I was loving life in the State of Mediocrity, and was even considering running for mayor of Avergeton.

I graduated high school, but not in the top ten as my brothers had done. As high school rolled by I had fewer and fewer mutual teachers of Kevin’s. I marched with a cap and gown, but no yellow scarf to alert the crowd that I had graduated with honors. I merely graduated. By this point I had whole heartedly accepted the fact that I was a tiger in lion’s clothing. By no means was I an idiot, but I wasn’t going to splitting atoms any time soon either!

I went on to attend UConn with hundreds of both Lions and Tigers. I don’t think many Bears were accepted into the class of 1999. Maybe one or two.

Brian Hines : An Academic Sham – Pt 1. of 3

2007-11-16T10:41:00.000-05:00

The Hines Pedigree (or Lions, Tigers, and Bears… oh my!)

Growing up it seems that your academic path is set right around first grade. I’m sure different school systems have different names for the groups but early on in life, you are divided up in public schools based on academic potential and ability. I clearly remember this taking place in first grade.

There I was in Miss Conroy’s class staring at the inflatable letter people above the chalkboard wondering when I would be allowed to work on the Bugs Bunny puzzle sitting in a box on the counter. Instead we were all told to divide up, and sit at a designated table with a group. The groups were called the Lions, the Tigers, and the Bears. I was told to sit with the Tigers.

Reading books and work-books were handed out, perforated pages and all, and we began to learn to read! Just like that! It seemed pretty cool at the time. What occurred next affected my life in more ways than I can fathom.

I had barely learned to pronounce “Mr. Fig” when Miss Conroy tapped me on my shoulder and asked that I go sit at another table… with the Lions. Innocently, I said good bye to the Tigers and moved tables. I wasn’t aware of it then, but in the league of elementary school reading I was just called up from the minors and playing the big boys now. Suddenly, I was sitting at a table of kids who would become my academic peers for pretty much the next 12 years.

Why was this done? I don’t recall being tested in any way prior to this move. I did ok learning the colors in kindergarten and I was able to wear my dad’s old shirts backwards as a smock without too much confusion; but outside of that what separated me from the Tigers or Bears. (ok, the Bears were pretty dumb, and I didn’t eat paste or wet my pants). But the Tigers? What’s wrong with the Tigers???

You see, the Tigers were not dumb kids by any stretch. They seemed to pick up math, reading, and science ok but they did move along at a different, more cautious, pace. Despite this they never seemed to be left behind in anyway. What caused Miss Conroy to save me from a life of academic mediocrity and put in me in the pole position with the ‘smart kids’? Looking back I can only come up with one answer…. The Hines Pedigree. Because of my name, I was ASSUMED to be a genius. Nothing more than that!

My two older brothers, Kevin and Will, and really smart. Will always did well in school and was wired a certain way to consistently hit the books, study hard, and do well. Kevin, in my opinion, is disgustingly smart. I have a mental image of him sleeping through AP classes and acing the test anyway. Not to say that he didn’t work hard, but I don’t have any memories of him up late hunched over a calculus book in the middle of the night. I do recall Will in this position at times. I didn’t’ fall into either of these categories (more in part 2).

Thinking back I can almost picture Miss Conroy muttering to herself “Oh wait, that’s Kevin’s little brother. Kevin learned to read on the way to the bathroom. Brian should be a Lion.” And bang, Lion I was! But for how long could I survive among the kings of the reading jungle?

Early on, I was able to fake the funk and keep up with no visible problems. I learned to read quickly, did well at math, and if memory serves enjoyed science the most! All the way through Pembroke Elementary school (which was K-6 at the time) I maintained pace with the Lions. I even played the part! I wasn’t very athletic at all, tall for my age, gangly, and loved the Thundercats a little too much. I was a nerd.

As the years went on, the truth started to leak out. I was the Pete Rose Jr. of the Danbury public school system. Given a shot based on name, but there was no chance I was going to get 4000 hits.

You see folks… I was a Tiger.

(COMING SOON!!!! Part Two – The Truth Comes Out or A 15 On a Spanish Quiz)

Valley of Fire

2007-11-04T18:02:00.000-05:00

Erin and I rented a car while in Vegas and took a few day trips. One of which was to the Valley of Fire State Park in Nevada.

It was very cool. Easy to find, cheap as hell ($6.00!) to enter, and all of the people who were visiting was very friendly. We took a ton of photos so I made a set on flickr of a select few for your review. The landscape, rocks, vastness of it all... it was all great. Despite the Vegas strip having so much to offer, this day-trip was my favorite part of the vacation.

Check out the photos HERE

Shave and a Hair Cut... no hair cut actually

2007-11-01T23:10:00.000-04:00

I'm back from Las Vegas and instead of a long, tedious break down of the entire trip I'm going to focus each blog on a few highlights. First up.... my first (but not last) straight razor shave.

Despite losing at the tables Erin convinced me to treat myself to something I've always wanted to try. A professional, straight-razor shave. Or as I call it... Bugs Bunny style.

I went to The Art of Shaving at Mandalay Bay and booked an hour for the Royal Shave. I'll use the description from the website word-for-word:

...service begins with a hot towel. The face is then massaged with pre-shave oil to protect the skin and soften the beard. Next, warm shaving cream is applied and the face is then shaved twice, once with the grain, and then re-lathered and shaved across the grain for the perfect shave. Alum block is applied for antiseptic and pore-closing purposed. The face is then wrapped in a hot towel while the barber prepares with fresh ingredients the After Shave Mask seconds before it is applied on the customers face. The After Shave Mask rejuvenates and purifies the skin and replenishes nutrients lost during the shaving process. Once the mask has dried, it is removed with natural sea sponges soaked in lemon essential oil. Finally Hydrosol Rose Water is applied and the face is massaged lightly with After Shave Balm to replenish natural moisture.

The back of my neck was also cleaned up with a razor at the end of the shave. All in all... it was very awesome. Although, it was a long process for someone who prefers a bit of stubble on their face.

My barber informed me that this is the shave that celebrities and dignitaries such as Prince Charles, Winston Churchill, and even Sinatra himeslf would get. And now I join their company! I was also able to brag to my barber about my mediocre shaving skills. I've used pre-shave oil in the past and I apply my shave cream with brush. She was pleased to hear that I also shave AFTER my shower and I no longer use shaving cream (or gel) from an aerosol can. I'm a shaving nerd.

I thought the straight razor might freak me out a bit, but it merely felt like somebody scraping the side of your face with their driver's license. Nothing more abbrasive than that!

Long story short; those of you who have the chance, get a Bugs Bunny style shave.

Off To Vegas!

2007-10-24T21:51:00.000-04:00

Off to Las Vegas at the crack of dawn on Friday. I hope to bring back cash and some fun stories!!!

NYC Weekend! (or Sunday)

2007-10-22T20:02:00.000-04:00

Busy freakin' weekend.

Friday was meant to be low-key but I found a leak in my ceiling! I am not skilled with home repair so I immediately assumed the worst and that my roof is full of holes and worthless and that I should just burn the house to the ground. I ended up going up to Erin's to watch a movie (Devil Wears Prada) and tried not to think about it. Luckily, after talking to my dad who is a bit more sane and handy than I am, said it's probably a backed-up gutter. I really, really hope so.

Saturday. Went to wedding for a friend from college. It was a wedding, two people got married, and then several hours later I ate a piece of rare meet and drank free beer.

Sunday. Erin and I drove to South Norwalk (at record speed) and hopped a train to NYC to see her good friend Anna and husband Steve. We had brunch at this awesome place called Essex Restaurant. I had some french toast with this banana goo on it, and loved every bite. Erin got a Mexican breakfast meal, Steve some sort of potato creation, and Anna got dessert. Well, she got banana-chocolate chip pancakes.... which tasted like a birthday cake with syrup on it. Basically.... Anna won.

Afterwards, we wandered around and I let everyone know that my sense of direction is getting worse by the day. Luckily, we had over an hour to kill before our planned even of touring the tenements of the lower east side. The tour was very, very cool. Somehow (there is a story, but it would be a lot of effort to write about it) this tenement was pretty much left alone from the 1930s on. So, it's now a museum! Very good tour but we were stuck with an elderly woman who felt the need to talk.... a lot. Now, I'm all for crowd participation but she got obnoxious. She had her own theories on what the family was like that lived in the tenement even though the tour guide had the true story for us. Even after hearing the true story, she continued to blab about her theories. The best part of this was when we learned that a single mother became a seamstress to support her kids. Elderly Blabbing Woman was focused in on why it might be more beneficial to be a prostitute. Sexy? Yes. Annoying? Also yes.

Other highlights and things I noticed:

Insanely warm for late October.
Anna and her husband were extraordinarily friendly. I truly believe if I punched Steve in the face he would merely say "Hey, nice swing man!", shake my hand, and give me ten dollars.
Crazy people love the subway. One woman stomped her feet, yelled at children and threw orange peels all over.
Baked people love the train. This beefy man (who really looked like a gang member) and his wife were fried out of their minds. At one point, the woman was in between the train cars and the husband found it entertaining to lock her out there. I didn't mind.
Erin and Steve saw a ninja in Union Square. I SOMEHOW missed it, but later we saw a group of ninjas doing some sort of performance art. Steve was upset as he was hoping it was a real ninja.
Next trip to NYC, Anna wants to go to the Russian and Turkish baths. Awesome.

How Do You Spell Dominated?

2007-10-20T11:04:00.000-04:00

Erin and I rented "Word Wars" a while back and were immediately interested in playing Scrabble. So, we bought a basic board (a mistake, we should have shelled out the cash for the rotating board) and began a Best-of-50 series. I knew Erin was good but the results was pretty upsetting to say the least.

I lost the series 26-3. I'm not kidding.

Long Time Gone

2007-09-30T22:46:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I've posted. This is primarily due to my computer finally crapping the bed and Dell taking longer than expected to deliver my new one. Also, I've been very unmotivated to do much of anything lately. However, today I experienced something that must be shared.

I ate a deep fried Oreo.

Actually, I ate four of them!

Erin and I went to the Durham Fair today in, well, Durham, CT. It was a fair with smelly animals, lots of people, shady looking rides, and impossible games. However, at least 70% of the fairgrounds were dominated by heinous and unhealthy food. Erin was excited to get some fried dough, or an elephant ear as her friend Anna strangely calls them. However, I was determined to try a treat that I only heard about. A deep fried oreo.

I love cookies, and Oreos rank up there on the favorite cookie list. Perhaps Gary Gulman enjoys Oreos the most of any one person, but I consider myself a big fan. However, the idea of putting them through a deep frier is a bit scary... and a bit awesome.

Erin spotted the booth early upon our entry to the fair, but I decided to wait a moment or two. We did a few laps around the fair, looked at some goats, and then... it was time. We got in line just a a girl was picking up her order of deep fried oreos. The guy in front of me looked at me with a face of disgust and asked "Oh man, they're deep frying those?!?!" He did not expect my reply of "Yes, and I am ordering them!" (note: The guy behind me ordered the same treat and weighed at least 320 pounds.)

Moments later, I had four, steaming, fried dough covered oreos in a greasy paper dish. I had no clue what to expect. Most deep fried food is either fish, or maybe fries. But an Oreo? I figured it would be either incredible or inedible. I dove right and took a big bite. I'm happy to say it was closer to incredible than inedible.

There was a cake-like consistency to them, and they were shockingly sweet. Apparently, deep fried batter wakes up the already high sugar content of an Oreo cookie. I downed them pretty quick and was hurting for at least a gallon of milk soon after. I was pleased with my snack but also pleased that the chances of me having this snack again are at least a year away.

When all is said and done I must admit that the most frightening part of this is I could have ordered a deep fried Twinkie, milky way, or snickers instead.

Good god.

Travis Concert Was Twice as Nice

2007-07-15T21:44:00.001-04:00

Went to New York City with Erin for a fun weekend in the Big Apple. A friend of ours was treating us to a Mets game on Sunday so we had originally planned to just go in and out of hte city for that day. That is until I noticed that one of favorite bands, Travis, was touring and playing NYC on Satuday! The show was sold out but that problem was easily solved through stubhub. With tickets in our possesion we planned a fun weekend in NYC.

We decided to do something touristy and hit the American Museum of Natural History since Erin has never gone and I always found it cool. We went through most of the museum before we got exhausted and decided to head out, rest a bit, and go to the concert we were very excited for.

On the steps of the museum I check for my subway map and notice something is missing. I think to myself "Ok, now I know I saw the tickets for the show on the train because I had them in my hand." I begin unpacking my bag in a fury and then just stop. "The tickets aren't here."

Anger, frustration, disappointment, and self-loathing all occur in my mind and soul at the same time. I wanted to punch somethig but instead I just leanded on the wall and stared off feeling foolish. Erin played the smart card and said nothing as I was punishing myself enough. We decide almost silently to just head to the hotel.

We check in and I weigh my options. 1) Don't go to the show or 2) drop too much money on a scalper and possibly get raped in a back alley.

I tell her that I'm going for walk. First Erin asks that I call Metronorth to see if they have a lost and found. It's worth a try, right? Wrong. I call the station and am told, very rudely, that the Lost and Found is not open on weekends. Apparently, things are not lost on Saturday or Sunday.

I leave the room and wheels start spinning in my head. The hotel has a business center and I hop online to see if there are any last minute tickets on ebay or craigslist. There is a lone ad on craislist so I call the number. The dude answers in a few short words... I have tickets!!!!

Ends up the guy is a ticket broker and this is what he does. I meet him near the venue before the show, throw some cash at him (and at a price LOWER than the originals from stubhub), and we go to the show. Instantly, my excitement rolls back into me and I re-realize I'm going to see one of my favorite bands play live.

Travis put on a great show and we had a blast. So much fun that I decided to buy my tickets twice!

Ray Allen Coming to Boston

2007-06-28T21:27:00.000-04:00

There is a trade in the works that will send Ray Allen to the Boston Celtics. This is awesome. I am now a Celtic fan. I have a problematic crush on Ray Allen.

Larry King, You Are Awful

2007-06-26T22:11:00.000-04:00

I just watched Larry King's interview with Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Olivia Harrison, Yoko Ono, and the top guy from Cirque du Soleil. My gripes, for the most part, are in regards to his to interview with Paul and Ringo.

Larry was asking Paul and Ringo about their first trip to NYC during the Beatlemania period. Naturally, they spoke about how surprising it was and how much fun it was. Without skipping a beat or pausing a second he moves to "Where you when John died?" Paul was visibly taken back, but manged to answer.
After Paul's response to the poorly timed question on John he motions to Ringo and asks "What about you George?" Note: George is dead, that was Ringo. Paul, who was very funny this night, pointed out "Oh Larry, that's Ringo." The professional interviewer of CNN tried to backtrack by saying "I was going to ask where you were when you heard about George (another fun question) and..." but Paul brilliantly cut him off and said "Oh don't cover it up, you don't know his name."
The Cirque du Soleil fellow said it was intimidating working on the show "Love" because of how serious fans take their Beatles music. His comment "I mean, we're just a bunch of kids from Quebec" Larry chimes in "Well, they're just a bunch of kids from London." Immediately, Paul, Ringo, Yoko, and Olivia correct him "Liverpool".
Larry was sitting with his legs crossed as many men (and ALL dads) do. But his pants were hiked so high that only 3 inches of fabric were going past his pointy knee. Gratefully, he was rocking those really high socks so America (nor Paul) had to see his pasty, white leg.

Ok, so Larry King isn't a big Beatles fan. Next time make a point to remember where they are from (especially if you are going to reference it) and that George, not Ringo, is dead.

My Dream

2007-06-22T11:13:00.000-04:00

To make a live-action movie of the GoBots that goes direct-to-DVD this summer.

Post Father's Day Revelation

2007-06-19T16:08:00.000-04:00

I'm becoming my father

Today I bought little plastic golf balls to practice in my yard. I remember my dad doing this as far back as my memory will take me.
I installed a digital thermostat over the weekend and bragged about it as if I just broke into NORAD.
My attention span during phone conversations is shrinking by the hour. I soon won't be able to stomach a conversation much beyond "Hello?"
I fall asleep on the couch while watching movies unless I'm sitting up.
After mowing my lawn I just walk around on it looking at the results. There may be no more work to do, but I stand out there for a few moments.
Balding

I have to imagine I'm a mere week away from eating cashews as a snack and wearing leather loafers 100% of the time.

I only hope this is reciprocal and my Dad is watching South Park while doing impressions of Jim Calhoun to people who don't care.

Until You See The Whites of My Teeth - Day One

2007-06-18T22:11:00.000-04:00

My Crest Whitestrips showed up in the mail today so I figured I would begin the process of my beautification immediately! I was under the impression that I would be required to wear one strip in the morning and another in the evening but this is not the case! You can go back-to-back with these babies!

Basically, it's like putting a thin, clear, slimy band-aid over your teeth that don't stick that well. Not the most comfortable things in the world, but not exactly uncomfortable.

I have taken a before photo, I'll hold off on posting that until the process is done.

Smile!

2007-06-17T20:10:00.000-04:00

It was recently brought to my attention that my coffee habit is affecting my sparkling, Hollywood-like smile. So, I've decided to try Crest whitestrips to help fight this problem off. I bought the type that you use for 10 days and are supposed to last 18 months. I think it will be fun to post my results here! Keep in mind, I do not expect the amazing results that they show on the commercials.

Dawn of the Dead (remake)

2007-06-07T20:43:00.000-04:00

I finally got around to renting the remake of Dawn of the Dead from netflix (aka greatest thing ever). I remembered that Will gave it a good review, at least as far as zombie movies go. I really enjoyed it! Total gore fest, not exactly a brain buster of a plot, but very well done for a fun horror movie.

I realized while watching that I will never get tired of how all zombie movies start; with the main character totally unaware that something is wrong. Maybe they're listening to a CD instead of the radio, or refusing to answer the phone, or the TV is broken! Our hero is driving around and maybe notices a few more sirens going off, or the fact that nobody is outside, but they choose to ignore it.

At least until it is made clear that the un-dead has risen and are looking to chew on their neck.

No movie does this better than Shaun of the Dead. 28 Days Later does it well too.

I also recently bought a new car and sold my jetta.

Catching Up!

2007-05-13T19:11:00.000-04:00

Since returning from Florida work has been nutso and my blogging has suffered. I apologize to all 3 of you.

2. People in Florida are huge: They really are. A good friend of mine, Matt, competed in the Florida Iron Man Triathlon a few years ago. By finishing this event he put his body through such torture he ended up in a wheelchair for a few days. He told me this and I asked "Where do you get a wheel chair?" His response "People are so huge these days you can rent them just about anywhere."

He was not kidding. While navigating our way through lines and such at Disney more time than not we got delayed by large people on small scooters. It was jarring to say the least. At one point in line for the Mummy Roller coaster at Universal Studio we were stuck behind a woman going through the line. Every time her scooter reached a turn she had to perform what I can only call 17-point turn. It was exactly like Austin Powers turning his scooter around in the hall during the first movie. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and finally moving forward for 8 feet... then repeat.

Will puts it best by saying our country is turning into a science fiction novel. People no longer walking, letting machines do it for us.

3) I went to the casino. Kevin and Cat came up so they joined Erin and I on a trip to Mohegan Sun. Long story short, we made the craps table our collective bitch. Both Erin and Cat had great rolls. This was nice because Kevin and I absolutely stunk it up. We each won a few hundred dollars! The following week Erin and I got a little cocky and went back, only to give some of our winnings right back.

Craps. She is a cruel game.

4) I'm going to see the Police on their reunion tour! This is very cool because I was certain I would never see them live. But lucky for Stuart Copeland they are on tour and actually coming to East Hartford, CT! Thanks to a college football stadium in CT it's an easy spot to do a show between Boston and NYC.

I can't explain why I like the Police so much. I just think their music is so much fun and you can tell they were really good at it. They weren't faking it like I believe the Killers are. And, they write and perform good songs. Yeah I know Sting is the driving force but he's not the same on his own. I saw Sting do a solo show and it was good, but not great. I sometimes forgot that I even went to see him. This is STING we're talking about. I forget that I saw Sting!!! (please don't tell Sting)

For some reason Stuart Copeland makes them cool. Sting might want to write about clouds and meditating but Stuart wants to rip through that song in 2:30 minutes or less. Good job Stu!!!!

That's about it!

Disney!

2007-04-30T19:23:00.000-04:00

I went to Disney World with Erin and two other friends. I haven't been there since I was about 12 so it was pretty cool seeing it at.... gulp.... 30. We also went to Universal Studios which was a blast because the rides were big and they lots of comic book inspired rides.

Disney is a great place for rides and fun but it's also a great place for people-watching, which is one of my all-time favorite pastimes. Man do I love watching people!!! One good thing about people-watching in a theme park is you learn how NOT to be a parent. I'll do my best to recreate a conversation I heard behind me on the Great Movie Ride. Basically, it's a tram ride that takes you through movie scenes. Kind of corny, but still fun.

To set the scene I overhear a father, mother, and son bickering. The son is getting nervous about the ride because of the scene from the sci-fi flick Alien. The first line from the father to the mother is golden:

DAD: Oh jeez, talking to you is like talking to your mother!
(SON makes wimper sound)
MOM: Oh, now what?
DAD: What's he doing?
MOM: He's making himself nervous. He does this on every ride you know.
DAD: What are you afraid of now?
MOM: He says it's the alien.
DAD: (to son) Oh, would you just RELAX.

Parenting 101 folks! Seriously, people like that should either have their children taken away from them or have their reproductive organs ripped form their bodies with no anesthesia. What makes matters worse is these people had 2 other kids! It's clear the parents hate each other and yet they spawned 3 kids who will surely grow up to be awful people.

Oh yeah, Space Mountain is still cool.

Posting

2007-04-27T14:49:00.000-04:00

I have not posted in a long time and I'm sure all three of you are dying for updates. Some topics that may show up soon:

1) I went to Disney World
2) People in Florida are huge
3) I'm going to the casino tomorrow
4) Spidey 3 is coming out

That's all I got right now.

Howe Caverns Competition

2007-04-10T09:44:00.000-04:00

Erin and I took a nice road trip up to Howe Caverns in New York. First off, I was actually quite impressed!!! These caverns were the real deal! You have to take an elevator down to the entrance, there is a small boat road through part of the caverns, and then there is this area where you squeeze through a narrow path way. Photos below:

However, on the way to Howe Caverns we noticed signs for some competition. Or something like that. Basically, there are another set of Caverns called SECRET CAVERNS. These signs were littered throughout the area of Howe Caverns basically begging you to turn your car around and visit their caverns. "Come see Secret Caverns, we're so much cooler." If Howe Caverns were your dad then Secret Caverns is your pot smoking uncle who lets you stay up late and eat ice cream for dinner. It might seem cool, but by the end of the weekend your stomach hurts and you just want to go home.

We saw one sign for Howe Caverns and it was simple, professional, and dignified. I must assume that Howe Caverns are in fact better.

Secret Caverns signs remind me of a tourist stop Kevin and I hit once on a vacation in California. It was a MYSTERY SPOT!!! I know these things exist all over but this is the only one I've ever visited. Basically, there was a cabin on a hill and it slid down due to a mysterious gravitational pull. As far as Kevin and I could tell, it was regular ol' gravity. The same stuff that hit Newton on the head with an apple. Also, since this cabin was on a slant people on the left looked bigger than people on the right, a very basic optical illusion. This did not stop people from being astounded by this Mystery Spot. All it did for me and Kevin was we would stand on the stoops of houses on a steep San Francisco street which would re-produce the illusion of me towering over Kevin. We would then scream "Mystery Spot!!!!"

The Cymbal Theory

2007-03-14T12:32:00.000-04:00

The amount of cymbals on a drum set is directly correlated to how much I will like that band.

First, check out the drummer from the band Rush. That is an absurd amount of cymbals and believe it or not.... I hate Rush.

Now, look at the drummer from Guster, which is a band I am very into. What a modest amount of cymbals!!!

I think I will use this theory as a way to base all of my future life decisions. If I'm deciding between French Roast or Regular coffee I will merely count up the cymbals and place my order.

I'm going to sleep well tonight.

Turned 30, Got House, Saw Ben Kweller, Charged for Soda

2007-03-12T12:37:00.000-04:00

So much has happened since my last post.

1) I turned 30. This didn't affect me as much as it does some others. You can't do anything about turning 30, so just deal with it. Besides, I like making jokes about being old and crotchety. It's a whole new arena of self deprecating humor which I embrace fully. Just last night at the Ben Kweller concert I claimed people would ask if I was Ben's dad. This makes me laugh.

2) I bought a house. Yep, I'm a big boy now and am a home owner. I moved a couple of weeks ago and it's been busy and stressful and most unrewarding so far. Probably because I still have boxes and bags everywhere since I have yet to get all of the furniture I want/need. This weekend I'm buying most of what I need so I hope this feeling will change soon. At this moment, it doesn't feel like much of a huge step.

Whenever I tell someone I bought a place they say congratulations and that it's just a great idea. So far, it's been miserable. My windows are drafty, my crap is all over the place, and my computer is still sitting on the floor. Also, there is no towel rack in the bathroom. It's like being in prison.

3) I saw Ben Kweller in concert last night, along Gomez (who was good, but we left early). I liked Ben a lot live, he did a good job. A few too many ballady/mid tempo songs which tended to lose the audience's focus but a good show nonetheless. One thing that upset me was at the end of night I got a beer and I ordered a soda for Erin and they charged me for both!!! I mean, the beer alone was over priced enough and to charge for a plastic cup of soda??? That's pretty crappy Pearl St Night Club! Pretty crappy indeed.

Da Vinci Code - Update 4, the Final Update

2007-02-14T14:51:00.000-05:00

The guy and the girl go to England, kind of like when the Keaton's did on Family Ties. But instead of finding microfilm in a hairbrush as the Keatons did, they are being chased for their decoder ring. Now that I think about it... Dan Brown ripped off Family Ties.

The ending of the book was ok, I won't spoil it here. Then again... according to everyone I am hte only person who never read it.

I am now reading a comic book : Batman - Dark Victory.

The Big Game!

2007-02-04T11:19:00.000-05:00

I like calling the SuperBowl "The Big Game" because it makes me sound like I live in a Gil Thorp comic strip.

Da Vinci Code - Update 3

2007-01-31T23:23:00.000-05:00

My brother Kevin told me that I had a setting on that only allowed blogger members the ability to add comments. I changed that so now everyone can add comments! I expect this to change nothing.

I have not given a Da Vinci Code update in a while and I'm really flying through the book now (at least for me) not mention the book has very short chapters. With some only running 2-3 pages you can read quickly because it's easy to stop and not lose your place. I hate stopping in the middle of a chapter. Anyway.

The Albino breaks a floor in a church and smacks a nun around. The guy and this french girl find a clue and then she finds a key. The two go to the bank and get some sort of decoder ring from the deposit bank. They go on a road trip to Versailles and meet an old gentleman who tells a story. The story is a lot like the Last Temptation of Christ but no Harvey Keitel. Nobody has played with the decoder ring yet.

Da Vinci Code - Update 2

2007-01-24T11:26:00.000-05:00

I'm about 80 or so pages in. The guy has now walked down a hallway and found a naked fellow who happens to be dead. This dead fellow has drawn stuff in invisible ink, possibly from a Yes & No Games Book pen.

Da Vinci Code - Update 1

2007-01-22T14:10:00.000-05:00

I'm about 50 pages in. So far there is some guy, an albino, and some cops. The guy has thus far walked down a hallway in the Louvre. That is all so far.

Da Vinci Code

2007-01-17T21:41:00.000-05:00

I'm going to read The Da Vinci Code.

Often, I find myself avoiding huge pop culture phenomena just for the sake of being sick of hearing about them. I've grown to dislike iPods for no practical reason. I agree that they are both great to use and really cool to look at, but when I asked for an mp3 player I demanded it be non-apple. I just don't like the stigma of non-apple stuff being square and lame.

On the other side of the coin I get swept up into weird crazes too. I loved watching Queer Eye for example.

I try to read a bit, and certainly read more now than I did a few years ago. So, when I mention what Itm reading to people I commonly get asked "What did you think of the Da Vinci Code?". My reply of "Dunno, never read it" is often met with a faces of both confusion and disgust. Probably the same face I give people when they can't name all of the Beatles' albums to me... in order of studio release.

Well, Erin lent me Da Vinci Code and I'm going to read it dammit. The size of the book is intimidating as I'm more into short, quick books. This thing has got to be at least 10,000 pages with very tiny type. I will let all 4 of you know what I think of the book.

I'm a Huge Cry Baby

2007-01-11T22:05:00.000-05:00

Went to see The Pursuit of Happyness with Erin and at the end I nearly cried. It was a very close call, but I managed to fight off the tears by eating some peanut m&m's; a powerful source of joy. Why did I fight the cry-fest off when it would have been much easier and soulful to let the tears fly? Because as my eyes welled up I glanced over to see Erin watching the movie completely stone faced, as if she were attending a business lecture. I asked if she liked the movie and she said she did, very much in fact. But Erin did not cry, tear up, or even sniffle a tiny bit. I had no choice but to fight off the tears even if the added stress to my emotional psyche reduces my lifespan by a few years. It had to be done.

And now I present highlights of me crying, or almost crying, during a movie:

In Rudy when he is finally accepted to Notre Dame. He breaks down while reading the letter, and so do I.
During The Bad News Bears Amanda Whurlitzer trying to get Buttermaker to take her to a movie. He snaps and yells at her saying he's not her father. Oh man, I'm getting misty.
(SPOILER ALERT FOR BIG FISH). In Big Fish, the son finishes his dad's story while sitting by his father's deathbed. Holy crap, I'm going to burst.
The entire running time of Life as a House. They only made this movie to get me to cry and they succeeded
In the Elephant Man, John Merrick receives a vanity kit as a gift, and lays it out on his bed giving each item special attention. Something so simple gives him so much joy, and gives me misty eyes.
In Forrest Gump when he sees his son and asks "Is he... smart? Or is he...." and he just motions to himself to make the point of the word 'dumb'. Oh good god, I'm going to cry now.

That's all I got for now.

2007-01-08T19:35:00.000-05:00

The big news for me is I'm in the process of buying a house. It's an interesting experience but also very, very stressful. It's a similar to the stress level of looking for a job but instead of looking for a decent salary you're having a lot of money ripped from your hands.

This has been soaking up my time and also keeping my brain at a constant level of panic. It seems very final, and very big. The last 'big' purchase I made was a car, and that wasn't too bad. Then again, I hate the car I got because it's caused me so many headaches. I can only hope the house doesn't do the same thing.

The big freak-out factor in regards to the house is nothing, and I mean nothing, is cheap. I'll have to get new windows at some point since the current ones are pretty old. When I spoke to my Dad about it he mentioned he did the same task recently for us and it only cost about 5 grand. Yes... ONLY 5 grand.

I'm pretty sure my new windows will be homemade with saran wrap and old CD jewel cases.

There will be more fun posts soon regarding my silly opinions of movies, music, etc on the way. Just give me time.

Big Dogs

2006-12-13T22:00:00.000-05:00

My cousin Scott's dogs are no joke. He has two obscenely large dogs as pets. One is a malamute Husky named Amaroq which looks like a wolf. The other is a 175 pound Great Dane called Bruiser. Both of these dogs are incredibly sweet and harmless, but they are in fact huge.

Bruiser in particular is quite a spectacle. His tail is so strong that when it wags you would expect it to clear out large sections of forest, or at least put holes in walls. Scott has a glass class in one of his rooms and when the dog's tail hits it, it sounds like a .44 magnum was just fired.

Although the dogs are very pleasant creatures they don't seem capable of being fully trained. I can't imagine Bruiser biting, or even growling, at anyone. but it appears impossible to train them to do things such as stay off the furniture because of their size. A dog that weighs 175 pounds is not your pet, it's your peer. He sits on the couch like a human does. Butt in the seat, feet on the floor. That's the actual dog in the photo! Kind of awesome really.

I don't understand the infatuation with the large dogs. Growing up, Scott's family owned a Great Dane, but it was much smaller than Bruiser. I suppose Scott felt the need to upgrade. Like going from a 10 speed to a motorcycle. In this case, however, it's more like going from a 10 speed to a Howitzer MG Tank.

I think Scott's next dog will actually be a horse.

Heroes

2006-12-12T18:29:00.000-05:00

I finally got all caught up with the NBC series "Heroes". This show seems to be made for geeks like myself and my brothers. A bunch of normal people get powers and get thrown into some strange journey together.

Overall, I felt the show took a while to get cooking. I really struggled getting through the first few episodes because it was jumping all over. I suppose with all of the characters there was no choice but to jump around however, it still felt choppy.

Now, I must admit, that the show is really moving along I'm enjoying it very much. Naturally, there are certain characters I enjoy more than others (Hiro, Claire, and Mohinder) but I suppose that's the point. You're supposed to have your favorites. I do like the idea that most people have no clue what to do with their powers and only two of the characters, Peter and Hiro, have the instinct to do good.

I imagine that would be reality. Most people would hide their abilities and others would use them to succeed on some level, but not become super villains. I, on the other hand, would immediately wear tights and fight crime. You know that.

Recent Exaggeration

2006-12-10T10:48:00.000-05:00

The Hines brothers are known for their exaggeration. For example, read my brother's blog about him possibly being hit by a bus.

I recently had a pretty good one myself. Friday night Erin and I went to Applebee's to get a quick bite before a movie. Somehow I had the WORST time getting to this Applebee's. I missed the exit off the highway so had to circle back. Upon going back I noticed that this was one of the many Connecticut highways that has an exit going one way, but not the other. I needed exit 2, but it only exists going west. So I had to pass the exit, get back on the highway going the other (and original) direction and take my exit. I think missed the entrance to the chain restaurant. When we finally got inside Erin easily noticed I was still on edge. I hate, hate, hate missing exits and feeling lost and aggravated. She said "It's ok, things could be a lot worse." I agreed and said "You're right. I fully expect for my car to be stolen, both of my brothers to die tonight, and Ray Allen will be traded to the Nazis."

note: I built UP to Ray Allen being a Nazi from my brothers dying. Priorities.

Tid Bits

2006-12-07T14:49:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I posted. This is due to my high amount of laziness. A few updates for the 3 people who read this:

- I saw Borat. It was very, very funny the first time I watched it. I then, somehow, got talked into seeing it a second time and it was nowhere near as good. The shock value was all gone. I do, however, recomend it..... once.

- My ankle is healing and I played basketball tonight. Despite my prediction, and in a weird way hopes, it did not shatter into tiny little pieces.

- I got a new car battery. It was dead when I got back from Cleveland and, luckily, I got a jump to get the car going. I assumed that would long term solution. I was very wrong. It went dead again in the parking lot of the outlets in Clinton. Here's the kicker.... it took 5 tries to get someone to help me. FIVE!!! There 4 sets of jerks in a span of 10 minutes who refused to help me. Unreal.

- I went to Cleveland, OH to see my family. On the last night I drank a little too much, and didn't sleep nearly enough. On the way home I think I got a hangover while being awake. I was tired, but couldn't sleep. I was hot, but not sweating. And I was constantly uncomfortable. I think the girl across the aisle from me thought I was withdrawing from heroin or something.

- I'm reading the Hellboy comics thanks to Will lending them to me. So far, very good stuff.
That's about it. Very dull.

Running With Scissors - Movie Review

2006-10-30T19:29:00.000-05:00

I went to see the movie "Running With Scisso rs" on Saturday night and I thought it was pretty good. I read the book, and I refuse to spend this blog being all snobby explaining why the book is better. Of course the book is better. You can put more detail, substance, and even volume into a book. I was more interested to see how they would take this insane memoir and translate it for the screen.

I felt they did a pretty good, but not great, job. It felt choppy as the story really jumped around. Of course, the story in the book itself is all over the place so I suppose I should have expected that,but I really noticed it more in the film version.

The performances were nothing short of excellent. Annette Bening was her usual incredible self and I thought Brian Cox was the perfect choice to play Dr. Finch. I've read lots of people raving about Joseph Cross' portayal of Augusten Burroughs and I thought he was good too, but over shadowed by the Cox and Benning. Alec Baldwin was great, but had a smaller role. Of the Finch daughters I must say Evan Rachel Wood was more entertaining than Gwenyth Paltrow. It's tough to go into more detail without ruining the movie.

I do think the movie captured the essence of the book, however. It's about a young boy who is taken from one absurd life and somehow thrown into an even MORE absurd life. And yet, he comes out ok.

I would recommend seeing it, but after you do read the book. That way, you enjoy both and you won't drive home picking out what parts the movie missed (as my friends and I did on the way home).

Ankle Update

2006-10-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

Holy bruising batman!!! Although it feels much, much better it could not look worse. Still mighty swollen and the bruising has kicked in. I read up and, believe it or not, this is normal! Please compare my healthy foot with my sprained foot. Gross!!!

King of the Dead

2006-10-26T10:38:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite bands/songwriters is back on top!!! As most people have heard or read Kurt Cobain is the most profitable dead celebrity. His headless body brought in $50 million primarily due to Courtney Love selling 25% of the stake of Nirvana’s song catalog to a publishing company. Elvis Presley’s plump corpse earned $42 million for the silver medal. (article)

I get mixed feelings about this. As a Nirvana fan I’m glad to see there is still an active fan base and overall desire for their music; and because of that I have easier access to previously unreleased material. But it is bittersweet as well. I hope the other two members of the band (Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic) get a pretty penny from items such as the recent box set and upcoming DVD concert, but Courtney Love gets a ton too. Granted she was married to the nutcase and is the mother of his child, but it does seem like she’s squeezing a little blood from a stone. It’s lousy that the guy who most deserves the profits is dead and missing large portions of his skull.

I can only imagine that a biopic is just around the corner. Look what these types of movies did for Ray Charles and Johnny Cash’s estates and record sales. Who would play Cobain in the role? I never saw “Last Days” but Michael Pitt sure looked like him in the clips I saw. (note: I heard the movie sucked, but I have not seen it). It would have to be a subdued actor, and possibly an unknown. Maybe someone like Ben Foster?

It’s also upsetting that I am WAY too old to play the role myself. This also applies to me playing Spiderman. Reality is a cruel fate.

TRIVIA NIGHT!

2006-10-25T09:50:00.000-04:00

My friend Ben and I went to La Boca's in Middletown for Trivia Tuesday. Winner receives a $25 bar tab, but Ben and I simply love trivia. And we're a good team. We came, I beleive, 3rd place which earned us nothing. However, the two teams that beat us were a team of 2 college professors and the winning team had about 7 or 8 members. We found out that a team can only have 4 members, but nobody made a stink since this was not announced.

Out of 20 total questions, we missed 3. They were:

What is the political opposite of a Dove?
Who sings the songs "I Came Here To Live" and "Honky Tonk Badaonkadonk"?

The final bonus question where you can be up to half of your points was "Where is the world's largest landfill?"

Ben and I plan to return, and win.

Ouch!

2006-10-23T21:39:00.000-04:00

I sprained my ankle playing basketball. I forgot how bad this f*!cking hurts! I'm sure age has something to do with it as I can't roll my ankle and keep playing. Instead, I drop to the floor and hop home to take too much advil and ice my foot down. I was able to hobble for a bit, but now that the swelling has really blown up I can't put weight on it at all. This means I either hop, or crawl (a manly sight!) to where ever I need to get to in my apartment.

I am very curious as to how long this will take to heal. I think I was smart by immediately getting home to rest it but it's throbbing something nasty! I took some photos which 1) shows how swollen it is. 2) that I bruised my big toe on my right foot. and 3) my feet are pretty gross in general.

(swollen on the left, not swollen but bruised on the right. again, both are gross)

A Few Things About the Men's Room

2006-10-18T19:21:00.000-04:00

I'm not here to complain about guys not washing their hands, or even not flushing... although please do both of those things. These are some random things I've picked up on recently while drinking too much water at work. I hear that drinking water is good for you, so I drink a lot. A side effect is spending lots of time in the bathroom in front of a urinal.

1) Don't run a marathon before entering the men's room. I can only assume the guy next to me has run a marathon because he seems completely out of breath when relieving himself. Long exhales of air continue to come from some guys while performing the very simple exercise of urination. There are cases where there are audible moans coming from these people. There is no reason to be exhausted while peeing! EVER! If this natural act causes you to be out of breath you may want to find some time for a push up or two.

2) Please get undressed and dressed directly in front of the urinal. Today this happened. A guy came barging into the men's room and had already begun un-doing his belt. Once I relaxed and convinced myself I was not going to be raped I started to think. How bad did this guy really have to go? This person didn't even moan and exhale in exhaustion so it couldn't have been that bad! And if you actually have to go that bad please re-examine your time management skills. Having to wizz should not sneak up you like a blitzkrieg at night. And this goes for finishing up too!!! Put your piece away and button up in front of the urinal. NOT on the way to the sink. And NOT on your way to the door. Do it away from my sight. I do not enjoy seeing man begin to undress, it's just creepy.

3) Finally, please pee somewhere in the vicinity of the urinal. Most places have those walls between urinals for some amount of privacy. There should be no reason to be so far from the urinal that I can your kablooie when I walk in the bathroom. Get up in that urinal and have some respect for yourself.

Thank you for listening.

To Sir, With Love (the actual movie!)

2006-10-10T19:38:00.000-04:00

I got this movie from netflix based on one of those AFI countdown of the most inspirational movies. Most of these 'classics' let me down. I have no doubt it's due to the years they're made. Movies from the 60's and 70's have a different pace to them. The dialogue feels artificial at times, the scenes seem a bit choppy, and the acting comes off a little overdone. Almost as if they're performing on stage for an audience rather than on film. However, in most classics they are considered classics due to one, or maybe two, strong performances. I believe this to the be the case with Brando in Streetcar, James Dead in Rebel Without a Cause, and so forth. I basically rented To Sir With Love to see what all the hoopla was about, including Sidney Poitier.

Well, I was pleasantly surprised. It's about an engineer (Poitier) who can't find work so he goes into teaching. He ends up at a terrible school in England with a bunch of punk kids as students. They try to break him, he doesn't break, and he earns their respect. I'll get to the plot later. Now, I have to say that this was the first Sidney Poitier movie I've seen start to finish and damn.... he lives up to the credit he gets. Just like Dean in Rebel Without a Cause he is heads and shoulders above anyone else on the screen in the movie. Where the kids seemed to over do it with their mouthiness and rebelling, he actually came across as a dedicated teacher. You forget he's acting.

Regarding the plot, it sounds very been-there, seen-that. I can only guess this is the movie that motivated flicks like Dead Poet's Society, Mr. Holland's Opus, Dangerous Minds, Coach Carter, etc. (although I think those last two were based on true stories).

I love when a movie lives up to the hype because it's so rare. Off the top of my head movies that fit into this category would be Pulp Fiction, Rocky, Ghandi, The Exorcist, and I'll even go with a Beautiful Mind. I also seem to be a sucker for these type of movies. The teacher who reaches out to its students, what is it about that ideal that we find so engrossing? Perhaps we either wish we had a teacher like that, or actually did? I don't know.

I'll stop babbling, but if you liked movies like Dead Poet's Society or Mr. Holland's Opus (I know that one was corny, but it worked on me) definitely rent this. You'll love it and Poitier is much cooler than Robin Williams any day.

note: I just checked the AFI list and this movie was not on it. I have no clue why I was motivated to rent it. But still... it's good.

Regina Spektor

2006-09-21T14:06:00.000-04:00

I went to see Regina Spektor last night at the still excellent Toad's Place in New Haven, CT. This is one of the very few (two?) places that still book cool shows in Connecticut. I've seen Ben Folds and They Might Be Giants there on multiple occasions, as well as Phantom Planet.

Anyway, she was pretty good. I felt her songs were hot and cold to me. Either I really enjoyed them, or I was totally void of opinion. I'll continue to download a few more tunes and see if I want to buy an entire album. Somehow, I doubt it.

One thing I really liked about her was she was funny! She has a Tori Amos/Bjork vibe to her as she has an incredible, yet unique, voice. She plays piano and her songs are 'quirky' (which is a word too often used in music). But, unlike Tori Amos... she does not seem to take herself too seriously! She screwed up the lyrics to the first song and announced "That is how you like to start a tour! This is like living out the nightmare I've had over the past month." And since she had a cold, she would turn away from the crowd to blow her nose from time to time. Regina told the crowd that this makes her 'rock n' roll'. These comment made me laugh, or at least smirk in approval. I do believe a good sense of humor is a factor that separates great musical artists from lousy ones.

The crowd was slightly annoying, but this is to be expected when you get a few hundred people together in one room. They were totally over-fawning her, as my friend JP put it perfectly. They cheered and screamed during the botched lyric and nose blowing incidents, as well as going nuts when she went from her keyboard to strapping on a guitar. A scream of approval came from the crowd before she even struck a chord, and this bugged me.

I was somehow able to move past this and enjoy the show. I was proud of my strength.

To Sir With Hate!

2006-09-11T20:23:00.000-04:00

Everyday when I pull into work a security guard scans my ID badge and allows me into the parking lot. Normally, they see the name and simply say "Thank you, have a good day Brian." I respond with "Thanks, you do too", or something like that.

Last week, some punk kid said this "Thank you, have a good day SIR."

Ugh. I am no sir. I am more than aware that I'm a full fledged adult, but being called sir makes me sound like a crotchety old businessman like Mr. Potter. It's a horrible realization that you can be called sir without the person feeling awkward. It was like when I first noticed my hairline racing away from my eye brows (8th grade or so), or when I played basketball for an hour and wake up the following morning convinced was shot twice in each leg with a shotgun full of dimes.

I said "thank you" and drove in. In retrospect this what I should have said:

"Umm, pardon me? There is nobody by the name, nor title, of Sir in this car. Do you notice the Beastie Boys playing from my hip satellite radio? Would a Sir be enjoying the song 'Sure Shot' as much as I am? I don't think so. Now call me 'man' or 'dude' or 'G' or something that doesn't make me want to buy scratch off lottery tickets on the way home. As a matter of fact, let me show you what kind of SIR I am most certainly NOT!" I jump out of my car, stick his ROTC-looking head in the car door and go to work on him. People cheer and see my obvious youth and spryness taking down this arrogant security guard! YEAH!

Instead, I said "thank you" and went to work quietly.

Self Check Out

2006-08-29T19:59:00.000-04:00

I love the self checkout lines at the supermarket. But they need to apply 3 rules, not unlike getting a Mogwai for a birthday present.

Rule # 1: All self checkout lines are express lanes. Twelve items or less! I see people hauling two carts worth of groceries through there and after each BEEP! of the scanner you have to heard 'please more your item onto the belt'. And the person actually waits for the voice to stop speaking!!! What a strange place to maintain your manners in a grocery store. You'll be run over by carts in the frozen food aisle, blocked while trying to get a steak because a person is looking for their right marble of fat, and even yelled at by an old woman because you took he milk! But do NOT interrupt the creepy voice from the self checkout register!

Rule # 2: No produce allowed. I know these things have the feature to weigh and pay for produce, but it's too lengthy of a process. The good cashiers in the store have those codes memorized, let them do their job. Please don't force me to read the cover of US Weekly again as you gaze through the book trying to find the picture of avocados so you know the code to enter.

Rule #3: You must pass a basic aptitude test before entering the line. Nothing too difficult. Just a few word problems and maybe a simple logic problem. Just challenging enough so if the item doesn't scan after 17 tries you know to enter the item number by hand. We don't need to call the manager over because your Diet Rally Cola didn't scan; just look at the UPC and type those same numbers into the screen. Actually... this could be easier. If you never played a video game at home, you're not allowed to enter these lines. Scratch the aptitude test. I don't care if it was a Turbo Graphix 16, or even an Atari Jaguar. You'll be able to handle the self checkout.

note : Brian got stuck behind a women at the self checkout line tonight who not only struggled with the scanning of items, also was challenged when BAGGING THEM!!! She had a blue tooth wireless phone hanging out of her ear as well. Probably because she has no idea how to answer it and is afraid if she removes she will die.

MoMA! DaDa!

2006-08-27T19:40:00.000-04:00

Not too long ago brother Kevin said "you should post on blogger, not myspace", but I was too lazy. A little bit longer time ago my brother Kevin said I would like the show Arrested Development. He was right then, and he was right this time. So this is my first post here.

This weekend I went to New York City with Erin. We were busy. Had lunch with my brothers, went to the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA for you hipsters), ate dinner at the hysterical Jekyl and Hyde club, and finished the night off with the Lion King musical. Busy, busy, but this post is about MoMA.

I'd like to think I have small artsy fartsy side. Nothing too crazy, but I like museums, and I'll catch myself listening to classical music here and there, I'm not afraid of movies with subtitles, etc. And before I get going, most of the museum was quite interesting. But... there was a floor dedicated to their current exhibit of the Dada Movement. I hate to come off like a snob, or even a jerk, but I can only quote Moe Sizlack on his description of Post Modern art by saying it was weird for the sake of being weird.

The first room was this guy Douglas Gordon, who did art in video I guess? It was a lot of dark rooms with screens (some large, some just TV's, one the size of a stamp) that just had black and white loop of strange movies. The first room was the movie "Psycho" playing at a incredible slow pace so it would take 24 hours to finish. The stamp size screen was a housee fly on its back. And then there was a room with 3 or 4 large movie screens that was showing elephants walking around, or laying on the ground. Naturally, your artistic hipsters from central casting with their dark rimmed glasses, messy hair, sweaters in August were sitting on the floor resting their chin in their hand finding the deepness to all of this. I'm convinced part of their brain was thinking "this is crap."

Other pieces of Dada were a shovel hanging from the ceiling, a guy's legs with candles coming out the back of his knees, the Mona Lisa with a moustache. Oh, and lets not forget the room with TV's on the ceiling showing DVD's where you can hold a mirror and watch them on the ceiling. Very bold statement.

Ok. I get it. I'm a narrow minded ahole. But a bicycle wheel on the stool???

Most of the other floors were great. And I was thrilled to find a large canvas completely painted white. And another painted black. And yet another painted blue. I was thrilled to find those classic examples of modern art.

One of my favorite exhibits was something I noticed by accident. The museum displayed some Salvador Dali paintings including the famous "The Persistence of Memory". I couldn't get near the thing, so I took a photo of the crowd of people who wanted a closer look at a painting we've all seen on dorm room walls for years.